What am I doing here, world?

Musical theories

2010-09-01T18:26:00.002+08:00

13 seconds to love.

And today, class, we talk about musical theories.

One such particular theory is Kjwan frontman Marc Abaya's. He states that a listener's feelings towards a particular song is revealed in the first 13 seconds of listening to it.

13 seconds to love. What if we had only 13 seconds to love?

If you divide that with all the stages we have to go through, in generalization, we could say that:

1 second goes to the contemplating part
3 seconds go to the make-your-move-give-it-your-best-shot-and-finally-score part
3 seconds to the bliss part
5 seconds go to the average everyday girlie-boyet part
1 second to the deteriorating part
1 second to the bye-bye-get-to-move-on part.

Of course, these are estimates, and they are probably wrong, by 20% at least. And this is a generalized division, meaning, I assume that normal people spend their 13 seconds like this.

But there are many phenomena when it comes to love. The first phenomenon, I would like to call, smoke-belching Dodge Viper phenomenon. Its division is as follows:

1 second goes to the contemplating part
1 second goes to the make-your-move-give-it-your-best-shot-and-finally-score part
2 seconds to the bliss part
2 seconds go to the average everyday girlie-boyet part
6 seconds to the deteriorating part
1 second to the bye-bye-get-to-move-on part.

It's fast, true enough, but because of its quickness, it leaves a looot of trash, ladies and gentlemen. The final second is often messy, oh men, very messy, but it's just short. Yea, when it's that messy, it's because it's that short.

The next phenomenon is called the Dad's Crosswind phenomenon.

2 seconds goes to the contemplating part
4 seconds goes to the make-your-move-give-it-your-best-shot-and-finally-score part
1 second to the bliss part
1 seconds go to the average everyday girlie-boyet part
3 seconds to the deteriorating part
2 second to the bye-bye-get-to-move-on part.

Slow-acceleration, but fast afterward. And oh yea, it leaves a lot of CO too. Messy, messy, messy.

And the last phenomenon I am going to discuss, is quite, the most interesting one. It's called the torpe complex.

4 seconds goes to the contemplating part
0 seconds goes to the make-your-move-give-it-your-best-shot-and-finally-score-part
0 seconds to the bliss part
0 seconds go to the average everyday girlie-boyet part
3 seconds to the deteriorating part
6 seconds to the bye-bye-get-to-move-on part.

Of course, there are other phenomena in between. There is rejection, Advil phenomena, true love, and many other phenomena else.

But there is one more factor which affects the 13 seconds: choice. It is your choice on how you would allocate your 13 seconds. The first seconds are probably unchangeable, but the rest of the time is in your hands. We choose love, and how to give it away.

And of course, there is an option of extending your 13 seconds to a minute, to an hour, or, possibly, a lifetime.

What if we only had 13 seconds to love? I'd probably use up all that time to love and love some more, so much so, that those 13 seconds would surrender, and inevitably extend itself by a second. And another second. And another second.

How do would you use your 13 seconds to love?

Pieces

2010-08-27T20:21:00.003+08:00

Everything about you, hurts.

I saw the dancer finally, after weeks of waiting, so many, I've lost count.

Was facing away from me, but I knew it, I felt it; it was the dancer. And the athletic tape on the leg just sold it out.

But there was, someone. And then there was a kiss, intertwined hands and a really beautiful smile.

And I knew, I exactly knew.

This is how a heart breaks.

I tried so hard, so hard, to keep it together. But it just shattered at my feet, and all I could do was stare at the pieces, and feel the emptiness. In 16 years, I've finally felt it. a broken heart.

And it's just so bad, so bad. Never was so shot to the heart before, never had someone break my heart before. It's so bad. And it hurts so much, it bleeds.

Even if I had a really talk with Bright Eyes, great grades, and a shared walk with the Art Stud major. And a really nice 'date' with a friend. Everything just went crashing down on me, when I saw, when I realized that the dancer is owned.

As if the destruction was so natural, it's so intrinsic. I've been trying to keep it together even if I haven't been seeing the dancer. And now, I finally see the dancer, it just collapses, so badly.

I've been picking up the pieces of the heart. It's not me, it's my heart. It's shattered so haphazardly on the floor, I don't know where to start. I don't know how to start.

Could someone come along, and patch it up with me? Will Bright Eyes be enough, or the Art Stud major, or someone else?

I do hope so. Just help me get the heart back together.

Smoked out, in the back of the van
Held up, with holding on and on
And on and on.

Emails

2010-08-24T04:20:00.002+08:00

All the time I open my email, I've been expecting something from you. All. The. Time.

But, of course, as usual, you fail me. HAHA.

But you promised to, Bright Eyes. You promised to.

How I can never get out of this spell is something quite obvious, maybe something quite stupid to think about, but you see, it kills. So damn lovely, when you're on my mind, Bright Eyes. I keep you there all the time, but it has never, ever, been enough.

Didn't see the dancer this week. Yea, that means we're down for Bright Eyes. And the plea for Bright Eyes to stay, is quite possibly granted. At least for Friday. Oh, Jesus, make it last the whole week.

'Umm, I'd announce it through email.' Sure, Bright Eyes, but where? When?

I'm not really Time Bunny, Bright Eyes. Never really expects, requires and wants everybody on time every time, even on that lecture. But you see, Bright Eyes, time is of the essence, when it comes to you. Because, I miss you. I really do. All the time you're not there, Bright Eyes. The second I step out of the room, the second before you come in the room, I miss you. And I'm so angry, Bright Eyes, but the first second I see you, it dilutes like a rainbow when the angle suddenly gets higher that 42 degrees from the anti solar point. So powerful, you keep me sane enough.

Hay, how I wish you could stay forever. I know you can't in the classroom. Couldn't be taking your subject forever. But it is possible. You could stay forever, in my arms.

I have been waiting for you all night
Under the glow of the satellite.

Encore

2010-08-14T22:44:00.003+08:00

Hang on,
Just long enough

I am half expecting Superman to pick me up right now, and hang me from the Empire State Building.

This is so absurd. You're so absurd.

First off, you should not have cut your hair. The hair is proof, and I do not know how to react. Is the hotness amplified? In my mind right now, yes. But when I saw it, swinging, and then no. It's proof, but I don't know. It's just so hard to tell right now, it sucks. Maybe on Wednesday, we'd make it clear.

Second, you should not have come in at 27 minutes, and then discuss the Special Theory of Relativity. You just do not do that. Messed up my conventional thinking so much, it messed up my dreams and my priorities as well. And you, you do that to me. It's so bad that I can't stop it, because you keep me sane enough. You help me get through, in the 5-week trivial absence of the dancer.

Third, you should not have set up a presentation that you will not attend. Or at least be early. You kept me hoping for a stolen hour; an addition to the last three hours, to try to make it four. But, you weren't there. And if you did come along, you were too late.

But some things, are not worth it. And they will never be.

Won't be stupid for you. Won't stand awkwardness for you.

Won't wait for you.

I'm so unfair. I've always wanted you to stay. I've always asked you to stay. But I wouldn't for you. HAHA.

You cannot fall in the last three hours. It would be too late. It would be disastrous.

Could you rush to my side and prevent disaster? Could you keep me safe?

Could you keep me from falling into desolate oblivion?

If yes, then catch me as I fall into the depths of your eyes.

And stay.

If this is heaven,
Or if it's just a warning,
Say you will, stay with me
Even if it's just 'til morning.

If this is over,
Then why is it so hard,
To say you will, stay with me
One more night.

One last hour. Even for just an hour.

For no one

2010-08-10T23:36:00.003+08:00

Poem. Poem. Love poem.

For. Umm, for. Fooor...

Have you ever tried writing love poems for no one? Let's generalize: have you ever tried writing romantic literature for no one?

They've been haunting me, ever since ever. For forever.

Because I really do. I write stuff all these beautiful stuff for no one. Well, I write them for someone, but that someone never reads them, so technically, I write them for no one.

So frustrating.

If you could just grab that someone, tell the kid, 'Hey look, Imma write some romantic literature for you, all right? You have to read them, they're for you.'

Slippery someone. Or in this case, some people. HAHA. So many, am drowning. HAHAHAHAHHA.

But if the dancer could just bump into me one day and flash me a smile and ~~(formally)~~ introduce herself, or if the professor could just hold a make up class in a basketball court so we could play, or if the Pol Sci major could just smile at me and say hi, or if the Art Stud major... well, the Art Stud major pretty much kills. It'd be for someone. Just one, someone.

You know what, you could just come over at my place, we'll have a talk, and I'd take you to the most beautiful places on Earth. Even if you're 2x old, and I'm x. Who the hell cares.

Just, stop these senseless literature.

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up, and get here

Fiction

2010-04-22T22:16:00.003+08:00

'... the kid stands up to brush her teeth. Her face was torn with the disappointment of miscalculation and error. She washed her face, desperately trying to wash away the sadness. As she returned to her computer to turn it off, her heart beat faster. The Pop up window, with that name on the title bar. It was the sign she has been waiting for.'

I wish everything else was as easy as that seems. I wish that story was real. I wish the kid was happy. I wish the kid found the sign, and is not feeling stuck.

When will I ever get tired of looking for that sign, in that one person?

The stubbornness has caused me pain, a lot of pain, and I can't understand why I can't seem to quit.

Maybe I should start looking for another person, not another sign. Maybe I should let this go.

These deep failings are taking me nowhere.

Dead.

2010-04-08T13:28:00.003+08:00

My head is spinning, swaying sideways, rocking back and forth.

Dead. Dead.

Why does it happen, that everything that has a piece of you, takes my breath away? No, it's that sigh-I-feel-so-damn-good feeling. It's that feeling you get when you're being gagged. It's that feeling you get when you're drowning. Your breath comes out short, you feel like you're coming to the end of your time.

How can you possibly do this to me? You give me euphoric sadness. You put me in saving danger. You show me a dark light.

You make my life a goddamned oxymoron. My head spins out of control, and it's not a good feeling at all, when you don't understand anything, when you can't explain anything.

You're driving me fast to my tomb, Jacques. Am fighting back, but can't and is now screaming for help. I don't want to die like this.

In a week, I'd be leaving. And in two months, I'd be looking for somebody else.

When will you ever leave your sanctuary in my head?

Birds and Worms

2010-02-13T23:15:00.003+08:00

The truth is, indeed, frustrating.

Especially when it's under your nose. Just. Right. Under. Your. Nose.

Maybe your nose is just too big, that's why you can't see it. HAHA.

It's about this person, going on a rant about stuff, some stuff. Mentions what is needed, wanted, what is required, what is possible. But what is not yet happening. Or what LOOKS like is not yet happening.

I've always been here. ALL THE TIME. I've been trying to understand. I've been keeping up. I get everything, I pick up all the cues. I've been covering my nose to stop the bleeding, and listening instead. I've always accepted you. I've always loved you. As you, not anybody else.

If there was someone who has had a grand dose of your tantrums, it would be me. But I'm still here, I have not yet broken. And, that's something, something humongous, something excellent, something astronomical.

But you can't see. ANYTHING.

I might not be a jellyfish, but what the hell, I'm being stung here, I'm hurting here, I'm dying here, just because, just because. I want to be with you, even if you're a goddamned jellyfish, and I'm goddamned sardines.

Hasn't that proven enough? Isn't that enough for you?

Am I still not enough for you?

If not, fuck you, then.

I am swimming with you. I could swim in another current else, the more exciting, nicer and smoother ones. But I am swimming with you. Why can't you see, that I am?

This is a distorted world that we live in. In its distortedness, I have lost, I've lost a lot. Which includes, you.

The truth is frustrating. Especially the truth on the other side of a person talking about assumed truths.

Mejo malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba, ang siyang pinapangarap ko.

Hoping. Praying. Wishing. Not.

2009-12-29T00:41:00.004+08:00

I'm such an unfair person. Kung may mali, dun lang ako magppost dito. Oh yes, this is my emo blog. This is my human blog.

It's been more than a month now and it's fixed. It's a long story, but it's fixed. We're good.

But you see, there's this one thing now. And it's pushing me down hard. I can't believe it.

I've been attending Mass. I've been praying. I've been hoping. I've been wishing. But it never was enough, was it? It all ends with this face first fall, this big slap on my face. Wake up, it said.

I've accepted this. I've been forcing this out. I am quite sure that this is partly my fault. But why does it feel like this? I feel weak, undermined by my own analogies. I feel like I'm fading away to hate, to anger, to oblivion. Maybe it's the fact that I could be so much better. I am so much better.

And maybe seeing my person so fucked up, so hurt, so confused. Seeing that this one person I care a lot about is going down so damn low and doing this. This can be avoided. This can be controlled. But that was how confused and unstable my person was. And I can't take it. This did not have to happen.

Maybe I need to re accept it. I always forget. But then, why remember when you have something to hope for? Now it's quite clear that I've nothing to hold on to. I need to forget.

Still I see
The tears from your eyes
Maybe I'm just not the one for you

Footnotes

2009-11-03T20:41:00.003+08:00

Here's my bright idea
I'll just disappear

May gusto akong sabihin, pero di ko alam kung ano.

Totoo lang, feel kong iuntog ng paulit ulit ung ulo ko sa pader. May gusto akong sabihin eh. May gusto akong gawin, pero di ko alam kung ano. Anak ng.

Naghihintay ako ng 11:11 PM. Ngayon ko lang kasi nalaman na pede kang mag wish pag ganun.May isa akong wish. Sana matapos na to. Basta matapos. Not necessarily magka ayos, basta matapos. Wala na kong nararamdaman, kumpleto na ang pag ttransform niya from tao to singaw.

Pero totoo lang, ayoko naman ng maayos to. Ewan ko. Feeling ko hindi din naman mangyayari un. Maganda ung premise na magiging mas matino siya, pero kasi parang malabo. Not a pessimist, a realist, mga tol.

Gusto ko ba siyang kausapin? Parang oo na hinde. Ewan ko. Kasi minsan ou, minsan hinde. Pero mas masaya sana kung hinde. Gusto ko na siyang kalimutan forever. Para matapos na to at makapagsulat na ko ng panibagong kwento. Nagsasawa na ko sa kwentong to, pault ulit at palyado ung plot, malabo pa ung characterization.

Bat hindi man lang ako nag paalam? Kasi kailangan ko pang ipaliwanag un, at tinatamad ako. Tsaka ewan ko, inisip ko nun parang tanga kung magpapaalam ako. Eh ngayon pa ba ko magpapaalam eh nakaalis na ko? Ewan ko, nalalabuan ako sa syit ng buhay ko ngayon.

Pero di ba parang ang sama mo naman, basta mo lang siyang sinukuan at iniwan sa ere ng ganun ganun na lang? Siguro nga masama ako. Sana nga masama na lang ako para may excuse ako. Eh hindi naman niya mapapansin eh. Tsaka kung mapansin niya man, may sasalo naman sa kanya eh. Siya nga nagsabi sa kin nun, maraming nagmamahal sa kanya. Kung mawala man ako, ano ngayon? Puta, pila pila naman ang replacements eh. Hayaan ko na siya sa buhay niya. Hindi ako nagpapaimportante. Ang gusto ko, mawala. Un na. Un lang.

Basta un na un. Ayoko siyang kausapin. Pero kung gusto niya kong kausapin, carry lang. Basta hindi ko siya kakausapin. Hindi ko siya hahabulin, kasi un ang ginagawa ko ngayon, inaalis ang pakialam sa kanya. Kung habulin man niya ko, ok lang, pero sana makuha ko ung strength para tumalikod na talaga at umalis, kasi ayoko na talaga. Marami din namang nagmamahal sa kin. Minsan talaga, kelangan nating alisin ang mga tao sa buhay natin, at kelangan tayong umalis sa buhay ng mga tao.

This could be
This could be the last time
Now we've made our last mistake.

Endpoint. Dot. Fullstop.

2009-10-23T20:43:00.003+08:00

Ngayon, parang gusto ko lang magsulat. Ng magsulat. Ng magsulat.

Malungkot ako. Sobrang lungkot ko. Depressed ba ko? Ou, sabihin na nating depressed nga ako. Minsan sa buhay, required ka talagang malungkot at mag emo. Parang adik? Parang adik.

May mga bagay sa buhay na mahirap pakawalan. Kahit tanggap mo na na kelangan mo silang pakawalan, masakit pa rin eh, kasi hindi mo inakalang balang araw dapat mong gawin un. Naiintindihan mo kung bat mo kelangang gawin un pero kasi, mahirap talaga eh. At masakit.

Para na kaming tanga ngayon. Dati siya ung ganito. Sa ibang tao. Ngayon ako ung ganito. Sa kanya. Nakakabobo. Hindi ko naman maisip kung anong nagawa ko, kung anong ginawa ko, kung bat kelangang bumalik sa kin tong ganitong parusa. Lintik, ako nga ung nagbati sa kanila eh. Kung di ko sinabi sa kanya un, hindi niya lalapitan ung isa. Puta, nagpapakamartir na nga ako, nagpapakadakila na nga ako eh. Kahit nasasaktan ako ng sobra pag ginagawa ko un, tuloy lang kasi alam kong un ung nakakapagpasaya sa kanya eh. Alam ko na pag ayus na sila, pag wala na kung anong syit ang nangyayari sa kanila, wala nanaman kami, ako. Alam ko un eh. Pero hindi ko na iniisip ung sarili ko eh. Dun ako kung san siya masaya.

Hanggang sa pinilit niya kong isipin na: 'Puta, bat ba ko pumapayag na ganituhin niya ko?' Nung naisip ko un, dun na nagsimula ung lahat. Nung retreat un. Puta, sana pala nasa Pasig na lang ako nun. Kung wala ako nung retreat, kung natuloy ung contest o kung may La Salle ako, wala sana ako sa Antipolo, hindi sana ako nakapagretreat, hindi sana nangyari to sa min. Puta.

Desidido na kong itutuloy ko 'to. Ou, naniniwala akong mangyayari't mangyayari din 'to. Lahat naman may katapusan eh. At naniniwala akong eto na ung finale ng story namin. Nasabi ko naman na lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Na appropriate. Pero mahirap lang talaga siya, mahirap. Mahirap iwan ung mga bagay na matagal nagpasaya sa yo. Mahirap iwan ung mga bagay na alam mo sa sarili mo na importante. Mahirap iwan ung mga bagay na ganun ng basta basta na lang.

Kelangan ko ng oras. Un lang naman eh. Time heals all wounds. Mag oone week pa lang 'to. Kaya siguro masakit pa. Alam ko namang matatapos din 'to eh. It's just a phase. Isang araw, gigising ako na tanggap ko na talaga na wala na siya sa buhay ko. Hindi na ko malulungkot, wala na kong pakialam, hindi na ko magsusulat tungkol sa kanya. Kasi hindi ko na siya kilala. Ou, kakalimutan ko lahat, LAHAT. Kahit gano kasaya, kahit gano ka importante, kahit gano ka memorable. Dahil kelangan. Training ko un sa buhay. To be unsaddened by appearances, or the lack of them. Kelangan ganun. Dahil alam kong ganun ung magiging buhay ko. Kelangang masanay.

Siguro masakit din, kasi hindi man lang niya ko hinabol para iligtas ung mahigit isang taon namin. Wala lang. Parang wala lang talaga ako. Hindi ako pessimist, realist ako. Wala lang naman talaga ako sa kanya. Isang tao lang ang mahalaga sa kanya. Isa lang. At hindi ako un. Nakakatawa, para na akong siya. Ironic, sabi ng kaibigan ko. Totoo. Kung meron mang isang taong ayoko, ayoko talagang maging, siya un. KASI WALA SIYANG KWENTA. Sana nga wala na lang talaga siyang kwenta, para mas mabilis matapos to.

Ayoko na talaga. Masyado ng masakit. Sana pede mong ianggulo ung ulo mo sa pader pag inuuntog mo, para may selective memory loss. Kasi gusto ko na talagang mawala siya sa buhay ko. Para mawala na tong sakit na to. Kaya ko ung sakit, kaso kasi, humihina ako sa sobrang sakit, at ayokong humina. Marami pa kong kelangang tapusin bago ako humina. Hindi ako pedeng humina.

Siguro sanayan lang talaga tong exercise na to. Nagawa ko na to dati. Ou, alam ko nagawa ko na to dati. Mas mahirap lang talaga ngayon, pero nagawa ko na eh. At kinaya ko. Alam kong kakayanin ko ulet.

At hindi ako tutulad sa kanya, na aatras sa mga bagay na napagdesisyunan na. Ou, alam kong magiging sobrang sakit. Pero un ang huli kong gagawin. Bawiin lahat ng sinabi at pinag-isipan ko, at umatras ng tuluyan. Hindi ko na siya pababalikin sa buhay ko, kasi wala na siyang magagawa para dun. Tapos na ang kwento. Nakasulat na sa bolpen ang tuldok, at tinapon ko na ang correction fluid. WALA NG ATRASAN.

Pero siguro, kahit dito lang, dapat naman akong, magpaalam. Ou, nasabi ko na lahat. Pero un na lang. Isa na lang. Para matapos na to.

Paalam. Paalam sa lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Paalam sa pagpunta natin sa SM nung Valentine's Day. Paalam sa paglalakad natin papuntang town. Paalam sa pagllunch natin sa publi. Paalam sa paglalakad natin sa field. Paalam sa kalokohan natin tungkol sa pamilya ng may pamilya. Paalam sa paggawa natin ng debate sa CVE. Paalam sa pagsstay natin hanggang 1 AM para matapos ung ArtsWork app form. Paalam sa pagpunta natin sa National Museum at pagkain sa kung san mang lugar na yun. Paalam sa pag uusap natin tuwing oration ni Menny. Paalam sa pag uusap natin tungkol sa kung anong syit sa philosophy. Paalam sa pagttrabaho natin sa project niyo sa SS. Paalam sa balak nating magkape sa Katips. Paalam sa walang kwenta nating pag uusap sa phone. Paalam sa pag aaway natin tungkol sa happiness. Paalam sa pag aaway natin tungkol sa paglipat mo ng club. Paalam sa cupcake. Paalam sa retlet mong walang kwenta. Paalam sa pagiging roommates natin sa retreat for two years. Paalam sa pagiging classmates natin for three years, clubmates for two years. Paalam sa pagbili mo sa kin ng ice cream. Paalam sa lahat ng bagay na may kinalaman sa kin, sa yo, sa tin.

Hindi na tayo magkikita ulet na ganito. Hindi na natin mababalik ung dati. Hindi mo na makikita ung taong kasama mo ng mahigit isang taon. Aalis na ko. Mawawala ka na sa buhay ko. Mawawala na ko sa buhay mo.

Paalam, 'tol, pare, tuds. Paalam

Dead end I

2009-10-22T22:16:00.004+08:00

I didn't know that everything I wrote in here, will come down to this big ending.

It's all coming to an end.

Everything I wrote, they were the reasons. They are the signs of this universe. But I never heeded them. But now that I notice, I take action. It all comes to an end, an epic end.

I was talking about growing tired. I was growing tired. Now, I am thoroughly exhausted and tired. I don't want to do this anymore.

I understood that you are a difficult person. And I could live with that for years and years and lifetimes. But what I couldn't understand is why you treat me this way. I never deserved it. I was always here for you, anytime you needed me to be. But this. Why this?

Maybe because everything was destined to come down to this anyway. It was written, well before we met. Cycles happen in circles. Displacement is destined to turn zero. We are back to where we were before.

Strangers.

But I've lived with that. For 14 years. We were strangers for 14 years. And I believe that it would be enough, more than enough, for us to live the rest of our lives as before. I've been there. It hurts to return, but that's the way it should be.

Maybe it'd be easier for you. I was never important anyway. The 1 year we had was the same as the 14 years you've had. Unlike me, who thought that 1 year was one of the best years of my life.

Now, I drift away. I've no other choice. Staying would be like staying in an unlocked cell. It's going to be stupid.

Yes, I am the weakest link.

Goodbye.

And all I need to know,
Is that I'm something you'll be missing.

Regret, take 2

2009-10-17T20:16:00.003+08:00

Have you ever done something quite impulsively and then regretted it?

I know many have. But what if what you did is supposedly what should be done?

And now, you risk driving something, someone away from you. And fuck, I wish I never have.

I've been making quite stupid decisions these past few days. But this is the deal breaker.

I've been having a hell of a dramatic week, and I was predicting that a finale would happen this Friday. I never knew I'd be one of the main characters.

The person's always been one of the best things that happened to me. I never knew why I did that, but I did that. But now, I wish I hadn't. I've nothing to hold on to anymore. Nothing, except my own arms.

I wish I hadn't. I wish I'd keep up until I can. I know I still can, but chose not to.

This existence had become quite sad. Never thought it would be.

But you have to know, I've loved you from the moment you talked to me about how you hurt. I've loved you ever since I've figured I was looking at a mirror. I've loved you ever since I saw, in your eyes, that you are human, and are not afraid to become one.

So please, forgive me for accepting humanity just now, after claiming to be superhuman for so long. Forgive me for making a mistake.

I never really meant to. I never really meant to lose you.

I never wanted to lose you.

And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'Cause they would never do
I WOULD NEVER DO.

Was just not enough

2009-10-13T23:46:00.004+08:00

Waiting here with hopes for a ring
And I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

You are such a big problem in my life. And I can't believe you.

Have you ever had that feeling of being unimportant? Of being just a tiny speck in this universe that deserves to be kicked around? And that feeling was given to you by one of the most important people in your life, the one that should supposedly treat you better?

It hurts. It still does, even after saying sorry, even after the hugs and my face buried in a shoulder. I don't know, if it always will. I hope it will go away.

I've done everything, everything. I've tried to fill up that empty space, knowing that I'd never. But hell, I still tried. Because I care so much. Because I never wanted to see you sad. Because you were so important to me. But this, this is what I get.

Maybe I never should try anymore. If this is all that I'd get. I could give someone as much attention and they'd respond better. Not you. Never you. It's not meant to be. There would always be this chasm between you and me and no matter how much I'd stretch out, you'd always be on the other side, stretching to someone else. You make me sad, though I should never be. I cared for you so much.

Maybe I should never have. This one year and more is just a joke. It's just a practical joke. And you're laughing. I'm not. The joke's over. Maybe it's time to pick up the pieces of my existence and leave.

This is the story in which an extra character thinks that she is someone important, but was never really part of the story. This is my story.

And I'm throwing away the letters I'm writing you
'Cause they would never do
I would never do, never.

You make me want to. Don't make me want to.

2009-08-13T21:46:00.003+08:00

You know something about best friends and love?

It sucks, big time.

And it hurts a lot. No matter how repetitive that line is. You can count how many times that line appears here, for all I care.

'The ones you hurt are the ones that care for you the most, and the ones that hurt you are the ones you need the most.'

Stop talking about possibilities. Stop talking about your fears. Stop telling me it's a phase.

The more you do, the more it hurts.

'The third one, siguro I'll meet in college...'

Can't you, can't you...?

'You're supposed to be the other best friend.'

Jeebus. I can't, can't put to words what I feel. It hurts a lot. That's how it hurts a lot. Can't write about it properly.

I've run out of words. I've run out time. I've run out of feelings. I've run out of ideas.

I've run out of tears.

Don't make me, don't make me.

'Third, you need to fall in love with someone like you, it will teach about who you are, and who you want to be.'

Who am I? Who do I want to be?

I am tired. My head screams no more.

Can I cut this off? Can we cut this off?

Will it hurt more?

Can anything hurt more?

'First, you need to fall in love with your bestfriend, ruining your friendship. Forever.'

Today, I'm sad. Today, you don't care

2009-07-22T21:29:00.006+08:00

Why do you build me up
Just to let me down
And mess me around?

I believe that nothing, absolutely nothing, can make me feel better right now.

Funny, I'm researching about envy right now.

But it's not envy. Not even jealousy. Or that's what I believe.

I just feel so bad. It's about this person and another person and I can't understand the inherent attraction of this person to the other. I'm not envious of the other person, it's just stupid that this person likes that other person. And this person's like crazy for this other person.

The last posts have been maudlin and full of angst, but I don't care, I've finally accepted the fact that no one reads this goddamned blog and it's simply the best place I can vent out whatever I need to.

I have the same, even better characteristics of the other person. Well maybe except the hair, but why that other person? That person's not even remotely good looking. I'm not saying that I am good looking, my point is that other person's not good looking.

Oh Jeebus, I fucking hate the other person.

No matter how I try not to hate the other person, today is just breaking point. WHY WILL YOU TELL THE WORLD HOW YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT AND GLORIFY THIS OTHER PERSON? THEY, ESPECIALLY I, DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT.

Fine, you don't understand what you feel. But please, just please don't tell it to my face that you feel something for the other person.

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

'Cause I've always been here for you, while that other person would avoid you. I stay with you, withstand your tantrums and help you through your bad days, and that other person has some other person. I support you and your ideas, blend, create and recall philosophical thoughts to help explain to you the dynamics of this world. I keep at par with you, so you're not alone. And this other person... lives a separate life. But then, it's the other person that makes you shudder with like and lust, makes your day brighter. Is that not fair in my part? Even remotely?

You hurt me like hell. But your smile fixes it lightning fast. And it hurts when it feels better.

Needless to say, I really like this person. How can I not? This person takes me to some place I've never been to before.

But please, no more.

I know that someday, you'll make a martyr out of me.

*Edit
I just found ou how I feel about this shit.

RESENTMENT.

Thank you. research on envy.

Missing and wondering

2009-07-02T23:25:00.002+08:00

'Cause you... You're my favorite star.

Some people are just missable to the point of no return. You see a picture or two, and then they grab you, they grab you good and tight, and you just can't free yourself. It's a choke hold, and you don't know how long it's going to last.

I miss this person. I miss this person really badly, and I regret that I never had a picture with this person. I should've just grab some person with a cam and asked to take a pic of us. It's sad that I don't have this picture wherein in I see me and this person and then I smile and remember. I miss this person more because of that.

Will I ever see you again? When?

I hope I do. Just maybe for one last time. And then I'd let it all go and leave your memory there, in that pile of generic memories.

Could I let go that easily? Hope so. I miss you and... I want to hear from you.

On the flip side of the coin, there's this other story, but it's all messed up. I mean ALL MESSED UP.

It's sick, sick and absurd. It was one stupid decision and another. It is a chain of stupid decisions. And of course, behind this stupid situation is none other than the stupidest person.

Fine, the story in generics. Boy meets pretty girl. Boy falls in love with pretty girl. Pretty girl feels the same and thus, something materializes. Boy only met pretty girl once or maybe twice, but still pushes through. As the road goes on, boy meets prettier girl. Prettier girl admits crush on boy, thinking that it's basically harmless. But boy is fickle, like a girl. So now, boy falls in love with prettier girl. Thus, boy leaves pretty girl. Prettier girl and boy became lovers. They last for a year and some months. After a mysterious happening, boy breaks up with prettier girl, saying he needs space, like an astronaut. Prettier girl agrees but is hurt. After sometime, and when I say sometime, I mean SOMEtime, boy recovered. And he's back.. with pretty girl. And prettier girl is hurting.

I am not part of this story, not at all, but you can say that I am a minor player. Prettier girl is my friend. And the boy is too. But this is just plain stupid. I never knew he'd be so stupid. There's something wrong with what he did. It was plain... unfair. I don't know but I think there's something wrong with him deciding like that. It's as if he never really loved prettier girl. Call me bias, call me judgmental, but what he did was plain stupid. And now, we are in chaos. And just because of such stupid decisions.

I am not getting things anymore. This shit called love is too complicated and is leaving me wondering why. Or maybe, the lack of it.

Sign off

Exit light
Enter night

Useless post

2009-06-25T16:29:00.002+08:00

You're beautiful, it's true
I saw your face in a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I'll never be with you

I've been missing some people lately, just lately.

Yea, and I think it's bad. I'm in this state now of moving on from my summer. I love my summer, but you can't really live inside that summer forever. I have to move on now, and missing some people, just won't help.

Well, you can't really blame me. They're really missable. And the fact that there is one abroad, makes you miss that one more.

I hope that one's safe. Flu alert.

What else. Well, actually, I typed this one in 'cause I want to put the lyrics in a post. HAHA.

And I don't think that I will see her again
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

F's of Doom

2009-06-05T19:43:00.002+08:00

This world is frustrating me to bits.

Seriously.

I don't know what's happening. The world is just this big ball of FAILS and FAILURES. It's what I think. I hate it.

I am hating this world because it's not perfect. Oh, how rational.

Maybe my body is just hating this stagnation. I've been walking around, running around, shouting around for the past 6 weeks then suddenly, I'm here, in my home, with nothing to do partly because of the rains.

Oh, my head is hating this too. It's been going on self-destruct. I am frustrating me. It's so wrong,

Jeebus, I'm not good. And I can't drink.

How do I fix me? Or how do I get someone to help me fix me?

Fail. It's just, FAIL. Nothing better to describe this state. I want to shout at the top of my lungs just to get this off. I want to scrap this shit off my being.

No more. Don't want to talk anymore. Just, sleep. Sleep never failed me.

Random Robotics

2009-06-04T13:43:00.005+08:00

It's been a while, a very long while ever since I saw this baby of mine.

And shucks, I missed it.

I haven't been keeping my kitten promises to this baby. Maybe because I have a Multiply account now. I don't know. Maybe I like my Multiply better because people respond to my posts. Unlike in this site... It's so sad, so alone. But I can't really post some hardcore stuff there about myself. Sure, I can post there about the funny me, the sentimental me, the weird me, but I can't post there about the angry and frustrated me, the part I really need to bleed out to the world.

But no one sees this blog anyway, so what's the point? I'm not getting it anymore.

But no, I won't delete this one. Because this is the blog where I post my obscenities and curses. And I just love it.

Why the hell am I talking about deleting this one? It's so precious. I mean, it's my first blog and it contains much of the frustrations I had to go through in my Junior year and... What the hell. Maybe, just maybe, I should publicize this one. Show it to the world, and ask them what they think. Hmmm. Neh, I don't like violent reactions. HAHA.

Well, anyway, a lot has happened in the time I failed to post here. The Junior Summer Seminar is done, and I'm back here at Las Piñas. And yea, it was fun. I was actually supposed to post about it the day before I graduate but my sister had to use the laptop, so my post was, well, discarded. But anyway, let me continue with that one.

On the day before our graduated, one of our friends needed to leave for China because of a family affair. I was sad that he was leaving too early, so I hugged him and said: 'You take care.' Others were hugging him too and they looked sadder than I was. After sometime, everyone started crying. Many people had tears in their eyes, red noses and hankies were being pulled out of pockets.

I stood there, watching the chaos happening before me. I don't get it. I never do. Even in my grade school graduation. Why are they crying? He wasn't dead or even dying. He was just leaving early. Why?

My head didn't understand. It still doesn't. You see, I believe that one day, I am going to see him again. We'd see each other and we'd say hello, spend time and do the fun stuff that we used to do back in Ateneo. I don't wish or assume that we were going to meet again. I know that we were going to meet again. Why are they crying?

Maybe it was just too human for my mechanical robotness to understand. Something about emotion, about it being strong and all that. I don't anymore get that part of being human.

Others were even typing out sad blog posts about this summer and they were saying that they were crying while typing. Why? We are going to see each other again at some point. I mean all of us. Everyone is going to meet somewhere, somewhen, somehow. Because we are all friends. And we love each other. And that bond that we've created for six weeks, that will be the key to our meeting. I believe that. We're not saying goodbye. We're saying hasta luego.

I need not to mention that Grad was worse. They think that we're not going to see each other again. Maybe it's one thing that makes that bunch of super geniuses stupid. I find it stupid, no matter how harsh that sounds. When they think that we're not going to meet again, they forget the times we laughed, the times we cursed Math, the times we shared our thoughts, the time we had fun, the times that formed our friendship. And that's just stupid. How can you forget such memorable times just because of the pressure of saying goodbye?

Nevertheless, I love the guys. I mean, I really love the guys. I miss them a lot nowadays. There were so many moments we shared together that it's impossible not to miss them. Especially the non-Manila guys. I really love them. I like them better as a whole than the Manila guys. They were so kind and fun. They're just happy that you're there and they don't care about your background or your clothes or anything external. They just accept people as they are. The Manila people are kinda judgmental, but I still love them. In the six short weeks we spent together, we became one big happy family. It was as if we were all siblings before and we were scattered all over the Philippines but we found our way back to each other through AJSS. It was just love.

Shucks, I really miss the guys. i wish they were here. They can storm my house, for all I care.

Anyway, that kinda concludes this post. You know how much I love AJSS 42.

PS.
Here's the Multi link I promised

We have this moment,
Make it last until the end.
We only got ONE.

Mirror images

2009-05-04T22:48:00.006+08:00

It's as if I never left Bene.

Well, hello everyone. I've been away for long, very long, because I've been busy, so damn busy with the Ateneo stuff. It's hell lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

One word. Fail.

But hey, fail would never take away the pleasure of meeting people. Really interesting people.

Well, actually, it still feels like home at Ateneo. Bene, I mean. You see, the many people look, act and think like the people I love back at Bene. Even teachers. Maybe you'd be thinking that it's going to be boring and all because of that, but contrariwise (nyehehehe), it has been interesting. VERY interesting.

Should I enumerate? I want.

Ron. RON IS THERE, FRIENDS! Well, he manifested himself in two different people. One who looks and walks like him and the other has the same attitude, which I find, very obnoxious. I really hate bossy, look-I-know-everything-so-shut-up people. I hate the traditional nerd. Maybe because I am. Don't know. I just find them really obnoxious, I'm so sorry.

Jethro. HAHAHA. Jet. Looks and talks and laughs and a hell lot like Jet. I actually call her Jethro. Seriously, it's as if Jet is really there. The smile, the voice... So Jet. She's just a bit more girly and more.. calm. HAHA.

Ms Karen and Ms. Eu. HAHAHA! She looks like Ms. Karen, but she teaches Bio just like Ms. Eu. In the same tones. HAHAHA. Really funny. But she's as good as Ms. Eu. I like her.

Angeli. Yes, Angeli. Very hell much like Angeli. She's an incoming student council president with the same views and attitudes. Well, at least in writing. Though she's more quiet, I think. Angeli shouts random words and curses at the lounge at anytime, while this one is heck lot quieter. Really interesting personality. i hope she won't forget me.

That's just to name a few. And there are also many people that when my sister asks about (eg Xavier boys. Eeew) my instant reaction would be: Ah yun. Isang araw, papatayin ko un. Seryoso. No matter how rude that may sound. That's how obnoxious some people are to me. Hell.

And yea, maybe that's it for now. Need to sleep for tomorrow.

PS.
I have a multiply account. Because of goddamed IT camp. Hell. Link later

Singing along to feeling all right,
We're making it by in the pink moonlight
It's always, Penny and Me tonight.

No Title

2009-04-05T15:05:00.002+08:00

It's a still day. Afternoon, specifically.

Lazy Sunday afternoons.

I'd be leaving home in a week. No, not going to vacation or traveling. I'd be leaving home for one month to live at a dorm in Quezon City. Sure, I'd be coming home on weekends, but I'd sure miss this place. And this computer. Pfft.

I don't know, I'm so damn bored. I want to move. I want to be mobile. I hate this stagnation. But I can't think of anything else to do. No creative energy, no deep, philosophical thoughts, not even thoughts. I feel hungry, but I don't think I am. Weird. Whatever.

I like my Tagalog post. I find it funny. Yup, I have to idolize and admire myself in preparation for my World Domination. Wahahaha. Yup. I'd be Kaiser of the World. Yes. I will conquer and dominate.

And I will post my plans here one time. I don't have plans yet, I'm still formulating them. When they're finalized and polished, I will post them here.

Hey. Gives me something to do. Yeey.

So I'd be planning for my World Domination now. Wahaha.

Sign off.

Kwentong Shampoo

2009-03-31T21:14:00.005+08:00

Kakaligo ko lang.

Oo, alam kong alas nueve na ng gabi. Sabi ko nga noon, tamad akong maligo.

Basa naman di ba? Gusto kong mag Tagalog sa post na 'to dahil pag nag Ingles ako e magmumukhang itong sinulat ng kanong hilaw na deperadong magpatawa. Oo, may kwento ako. Hintayin niyo lang, nag eenjoy pa kong mag intro eh.

Ewan ko ba. Special ang katamaran ko ngayon dahil alas otso y medya na kong naligo. Siguro dala ng maulap at mahangin na panahon, isama mo pa ang kawalan ng mental challenges na requirement na ata sa utak ko.

Eh di yun, naligo na ko.

Ang sarap maligo, lalo na kung gabi ka na maligo. Parang isang linggo kang di naligo at bawat buhos mo ng tubig sa ulo mo e parang.. waw... heben. Nakakaadik.

Syempre hindi naman pwede na habang buhay ka na lang magbubuhos. Kelangan mong mag shampoo. Eh di nag shampoo ako. Dahil martial law kami dito sa bahay, kelangang tipirin ang shampoo, kaya kelangan ihalo ang shampoo sa tubig. Nakahanda na ung tabo na may konting tubig, pero nung paglagay ko ng shampoo, tumulo un na parang tubig. Oh no. May mali.

Una, naisip ko na kagagawan nanaman 'to ng matalino kong kapatid. Baka nilagyan niya ng tubig ung shampoo. Tsk. Tanga talaga un. Un ung iniisip ko nung panahon na un. Eh di ang ginawa ko na lang kumuha ako ng shampoo na concentrated, ung hindi hinalo sa tubig. Napansin ko parang... ang weird ng itsura nung shampoo. Masyadong maputi. Inamoy ko. Oo, kaamoy naman.. pero may mali eh. Sus. Naisip ko: Puta. Baka naman nag ooveranalyze lang ako. Tarantado talaga ako. Eh di nilagay ko na lang siya sa ulo ko. Ang dami kong nilagay. Pero ang nakakapagtaka... hindi siya bumubula. Bat ganun? Tapos may naalala ako. Syit. Di pede.

*Flashback*

May nagbebenta ng shampoo sa salon kung san ako nagpapagupit

Baklang gumugupit sa buhok ko: 'Ay nako! Baka naman *bakla word for fake* yan!!
Lalaking kaduda-duda: 'Hindi ho! Sigurado yan!'
Baklang gumugupit sa buhok ko: (Sa Nanay ko) 'O sige. Ateng, gusto mo daw ng shampoo?'
Nanay ko: 'Sige. Patingin nga.'
Tumingin, nakipagnegosasyon. nagbayad
Lalaking kaduda-duda: 'Salamat po!'
Baklang gumugupit sa buhok ko: 'Nako, pag *bakla word for fake* yan... sasabunutan ka ni Ateng!'
Tawanan

*End of Flashback*

Syit. Hindi to pede. Lumabas ako ng banyo, nakatapis lang at mejo mabula ang buhok. Tinignan ko ung mga shampoo na di pa nagagamit. Ganun din ang consistency. Syit. Mejo nagpapanic na ko sa loob ng banyo. Balita ko masama pa naman un, baka kasi a) mapagod ka, b) atakihin ka DAW sa puso at ang pinaka masama sa lahat, c) madulas ka at magkabukol. Awts.

Oh no. Sa buong oras na un, hindi mo naman masyadong mababakat ang panic sa mukha ko. Nakakunot lang ang noo ko tsaka mejo nagmamadali ang asta. Hindi ko na masyadong naiisip ang mga pinaggagagawa ko. Nahuli ko na lang ang sarili ko na naglalagay na tone-toneladang 'shampoo' sa buhok ko para bumula. Siguro nakaka 1/4 liter na ko ng 'shampoo' na nalalagay sa buhok ko nung namalayan ko kung anong ginagawa ko. Syit. Napatigil ako nun. Dali-dali kong binanlawan ang di matukoy na kemikal sa ulo ko. Sa buong panahon na un, iniisip ko kung anong mangyayari sa buhok ko. Ang pinakamamahal kong buhok. Kahit ba pinagmumukha niya kong pang apat na member ng Hanson, ayus lang. Matino naman sila eh. Pano kung... makalbo ako? Hindi pede!! Ang panget nun. Magmumukha akong may cancer. Hinde. Pupunta akong Ateneo, sa isang seminar ng mga matatalino.. tas... HINDI TALAGA PEDE!!! Magiging lawyer ako, ang ganda ganda ng suot kong formal wear tas wala akong buhok.. Ahh tatakpan ko na lang! Eh di... magbobonnet ako? Mukhang magnanakaw. Cap? Lawyer, di hippee. Oh no. Grabe. Umabot na sa second level of diabolicalness ung mga iniisip ko tungkol sa pedeng mangyari sa buhok ko. Ang ginawa ko na lang ay pinaliguan ko ung buhok ko ng conditioner, sa pag asang mababalik nito ang kung ano mang sira na ginawa nung demonyong kemikal sa buhok ko. Gusto ko na talagang ubusin ung isang bote nung conditioner sa buhok ko. Panic mode. Talaga namang natakot ako para sa buhok ko. Masyado kong mahal ang buhok ko. Hindi ko kakayanin pag nawala yan, kahit gano ka pangit yan.

Medyo nabawasan na ung panic ko nang matapos ako magsabon. Binanlawan ko na ung sabon tsaka conditioner. Ok naman ang texture ng buhok ko, salamat sa Diyos. Pagkatapos kong magsabon, nagttooth brush ako. Nilagay ko ang toothpaste sa sipilyo ko. Paglagay ko, imbes na parang jelly ang lumabas eh isang medyo malabnaw na kemikal. Hindi tumatatayo mag isa ang paste. Nako. At nagpanic mode nanaman ako. After 2 seconds ng panic mode, naisip ko na itong malabnaw na toothpaste eh ang totoong katangahan ng kapatid ko. Isang linggo ko na nga palang ginagamit ang toothpaste at ngayon lang naman nagkaganito. Whew. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dun. At nagtooth brush na ko ng mapayapa.

Paglabas ko ng banyo, tinuloy ko ang imbestigasyon. Pati ung ibang brand ng 'shampoo' na binili ng nanay ko sa lalaking kaduda-duda eh binuksan ko. Consistent ang consistency(HA?! HAHAHA!). Tapos, kinumpara ko yun sa shampoo na alam kong binili sa supermarket. Malapot. Oo, peke nga. Mystery solved. Naging isang hindi edukadong consumer ang nanay ko.

Bumaba na ako, at balak ko ng ipaalam sa Ate ko ang natuklasan ng matalino niyang kapatid. Pero gusto kong lagyan ng suspense. Tinanong ko siya:

'May napansin ka bang kakaiba sa shampoo natin?'
'Wala. Hindi naman ako nagsshampoo eh.'

Natanga ako. Oo nga pala. Ako lang ang tao dito sa bahay namin na nangangati ang ulo pag di nagsshampoo. Ako lang rin ang tao sa bahay na palaging malinis ang ulo. Ang ginawa ko, pinakita ko na lang sa Ate ko ung shampoo. Sabi ko:

'Tignan mo 'to.' *Lumabas ang malabnaw na shampoo*
'May tubig lang'
'HInde. Amuyin mo.' *Inamoy*
'Eh ganyan naman talaga ung amoy nun eh.. May tubig lang'
'Hinde. May iba. Pakiramdaman mo ung shampoo.' *Kiniskis sa dalawang daliri*
'Wala naman a. May tubig lang'
'Hin----'
'May tubig lang. May tubig lang. May tubig lang'

At ulit ulit niyang sinabi un. Nainis na ko. Alam kong mas matalino sa akin ang Ate ko. Pero bakit ganun. Ang ginawa ko na lang, tinignan ko siya sa mata, ung tipong titig si Gil Grissom ng CSI Las Vegas pag nalaman na niya ung killer o ung kung ano mang sagot sa kasong iimbestigahan niya. Oo, feeling ko nga sinapian ako ni Gil Grissom nun. Tapos, sa isang malamig at matigas na boses, sinabi ko sa kanya:

'Hinde. Peke yan.'

Ding ding ding. Happee birthday to me. Tinignan lang ako ng Ate ko, parang siya ung suspect na sinabihan ni Gil Grissom na siya ung pumatay. At bumalik na siya sa kanyang impulsive Plurking.

Tapos na ang storya. Naks. Alam niyo ba kung bat ko to Tinagalog? Kasi nung nasa banyo pa lang ako, feeling ko may camerang nakatutok sa kin at nasa show ako na ang script ay isa sa mga storya ni Bob Ong. Oo, mejo Bob Ong ang style ng pagkakasulat kaya Tagalog. Haha. Well, matino naman eh. Hihi. Sige next time na lang.

PS
Laging bumili ng shampoo sa mall at wag sa mga taong kahina-hinala.

The times when I feel like bombing Yahoo.

2009-03-28T22:53:00.003+08:00

How do you do it,
Make me feel like I do?

Here I go again, running in circles around my head. Not again, not again.

You see, I am very much frustrated by the set up I am enduring at this very moment. I'm here, you're there but you don't want me to see you're there.

Shit. No, no asterisks. I want every obscenity I can type visible. That's how I feel.

This is not easy. Not easy, not easy. When did it ever become easy? I know you're there but I need to play this goddamned game of look for, find then be indifferent. Shit. It would all be easy if you'd just show yourself then let me talk to you.

It's important. It really is.

Well, partly.

But please, just this once, save me from frustration.

Then you leave. You just leave. Is it really that easy?

Maybe it is. Maybe, just maybe, one day, it wouldn't be. Because I am going to be the most powerful person in existence. I am going to be the Kaiser of the World.

Sorry, super sorry everyone, or anyone at all. I think it's just a follow through from the bitterness I feel from losing all my files.

There, I just lost all my files. I really pray to get them back. Please, Lord? Really, there's so much useful stuff there. And of course, the memories. And most importantly, my MUSIC. No, not my music. Sure, you can take away my dark secrets so that they be buried forever in that folder of nothingness, but not my music. No, don't take away my music. It's something that's supposed to keep me sane in times likes these. Please, bring them back.

That's it. I can't do this longer.

I need a more substantial post. Or rather, a more substantial head.

Fucking bullshit. Stay away from me and shut up. Maybe it will help me better. Cursed moron.

So sorry, just sorry.

But tonight,
I am feeling cold.

Parked car, this night sky.

2009-03-23T21:22:00.004+08:00

In the heat of the Summer Sunshine,
I miss you like nobody else

It's a summer post! Yehey! Yup. I can hear the first lines of Urbandub's 'First of Summer' pulsing through my head.

Yeah sure. It sounds so summer. But I'm not really a summer person. I curse the heat. I love Christmas more. So cold, so nice, warm hugs... Ahhhh

But anyway, since it's summer, I'll try to formulate a summer post.

Well, what do I usually do every summer? I laze and slack around, eat and sleep all day, take a bath at about 5 PM and go to a month-long vacation in Bulacan and get obnoxiously fat. And oh yea, play ball and have a haircut.

But this summer different. Or I hope so. Please, God let it be..

Because this summer... I'm going to Ateneo! Yes, I was accepted in that Junior Summer Seminar, through the mercy of God. For about 5 weeks, it will be an everyday trek to Ateneo two times a day. And hopefully because of that, I'll lose some fat. No, I don't care about my weight. And I hope that I can play ball during the weekends so that my fat-loss would be faster.

So this summer, there wouldn't be much slacking off, eating and sleeping all day. Awww men, no sleeping all day! That's.. sad. Come on! I'm a sleep monster and what will happen to my monster powers if I can't sleep all day? Oh no. I'll just remember that this is for my hopes, dreams and aspirations. I hope that would help.

And I'd have to take a bath at around 6:45 or 7 AM. Aww shucks. I've always been lazy in taking my bath for no reason at all. Though taking a bath feels nice... I don't know. There are times when I have to drag myself to the bathroom just to take a bath. Tamad akong maligo. At di ko alam kung bakit.

And no more month-long vacation in Bulacan. Of all the things that I usually do during the summer, this is the one that I so regret I can't do. I LOVE BULACAN. It's my birth place and I feel a sense of attachment towards the place, the ambiance and most especially, the people. My cousins, my aunts and my uncles. I sure would miss them. I mean, they have grown to love me a lot because of those month-long stays and missing that stay this year would be... sad. Very sad. Though the only things I do there is eat, sleep and some household chores, I'd still miss Bulacan. But Bulacan would always ruin my fat-loss plans during the summer. Because my Ninang there loves me so much that she cooks extremely good food and you are required to eat A LOT. Otherwise, you show that you don't like the food. And yea, Tagalog Masses also make my nose bleed sort of. Though I enjoy them because I find myself not able to respond to what the priest said. I become more connected to the language and that would really be a big help in my Filipino classes.

Oh look. So much I'd miss this summer. But hey, let's not be so negative. I'm going to Ateneo and I'm going to lose some fat! YEY! That's the spirit. And at least, I wouldn't be so damn bored this summer because I have something to do. And of course, this summer would open the gate to my hopes, dreams and aspirations. Yes, anything and everything even the secret ones. HAHAHA.

Summer's nice. If not for the heat, it would have been perfect. But it is nice. And I know that this one not be and exemption. Except maybe, the coolness of this summer could override the heat it brings and maybe, just maybe, it will be a perfect one.

Sign off. I still have a whole day tomorrow. You know, Super stars like me have really hectic schedules. HAHAHAHAHA. Ya right.

Sign off, for real.

Just messed up

2009-03-17T20:21:00.003+08:00

I feel messed up.

I feel like Im going crazy. I feel like I'm going berserk

I am now drinking wine. Seriously. It's making me feel a little calmer. But the bulk of the craziness is still alive.

I want to drink alcohol right now. Till I get drunk. YES. Drunken pleasures. They say you'd be free from your problems even for just a short while. I think it's a happy feeling. It's one feeling that I'd want to feel in the course of my teenage years. Or high school years.

Whatever. What I want is to be drunk right now or anytime near. Don't know why.

Well, it doesn't matter why.

I don't know why I feel this way. It's like I'm a werewolf and it's a full moon. I feel like hitting people. I feel like swearing and cursing. I feel like trashing my house. I FEEL LIKE BEING EVIL.

Hoho. The evil in my veins. *evil laugh*

You know I've always been talking about evilness. Something like there are some people who are born good and they stay good throughout their lives. Even if they become evil, their good part would always show. There are also some people who are born evil and even if they struggle to be good, their evilness would always be there and would always show.

I've always considered myself intrinsically evil. No, I'm not being modest or humble. It's what I feel. I feel that I'm an evil being. And I've struggled with it, winning over it after some years. Yes, I am now a nice person. But as I'va said, that evil doesn't go away.

And friends, this is my evil part.

I drink alcohol. I want to hit people. I want to crush anything. I feel evil shooting through my system. It's a crazy feeling but with the aid of wine, it now feels so damn good.

There goes the shizophrenia. Kill Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll. But Dr. Jekyll resists this time, he loves Mr. Hyde. WAHAHAHA!

Oh no. I'm getting creepier by the typed letter.

Neh. Who cares?

I want to be creepy. I want to scare people, to the point they'd run away from me and leave me alone. Oh alone time. Love love love.

Grr. This post is getting nowhere.

Wait it is. It is leading me to hell, to eternal damnation.

Would I like eternal damnation?

Can't answer that today, I'm in a messed up state of mind.

So maybe I'd just sign off, and answer that in my next post, wherein I'd be feeling a little better.

Guilty, guilty pleasure

2009-03-12T23:52:00.003+08:00

I'm not supposed to be posting. Seriously. I have my quarters and I'm supposed to be studying.

Well, I am studying but I'm kinda missing my blog. Yea, it's been almost a month since I posted. Actually, since I visited. I'm just so busy these days, sleeping at around 12 on the average. This makes free time equal to sleep time so I don't have time to see my blog. Poor blog.

Ahh, relaxing digressions. This is blog is my distraction from study, but it just feels so damn good to be distracted.

What can I say?

I don't know the last weeks were like muddles in my memory. Everything was zooming past me. I don't remember much, really. Just some people, boys, girls and me. And I became sad and angry. And then I was happy. Then frustrated. I don't know. What I remember is just a big pile of mixed up memories. It's too disorganized. I can't tell in detail what's been happening in my life.

But I can tell you today. Today is happy-stupid. This is the day that I took my CVE long test and missed like 6 items, 5 of them 3 points each, and a 5-point item.

That's a whole lot of points. Damn it. I feel stupid.

Trigo test is hard too. Too much typos. And when there's too much typos, you lose your head. I don't know I found the test stupid, like me.

But it's happy. I feel cute today. HAHA. It's my little secret, I'm not going to tell. I am cute today, and it's a nice feeling being cute. HAHA.

Well, whatever. I have to carry on with my studying. I haven't studied chem. S***.

Sign off.

Torture and bad days

2009-02-20T19:17:00.003+08:00

Then I hear your name,
Hear the radio sing your name
Should I give you a call?
What can I say?

Why does this song start playing whenever I post? Maybe it's a sign. I should tell you, I should tell you, I should.. NO! HAHA! Whatever.

It's a disoriented day today. Sure, it's a little humiliating, but when you just don't care, it doesn't matter anymore.

Ang labo nun.

Well, anyway. We had this Math contest today. It's a team contest of some sort. We were dead last, getting 12 points out of 60.

And we don't care. It's our long tests today. We have so much more to worry about than some goddamned Math contest. I don't know why they just LOVE doing that, making us compete in a time when we have more things to worry about (e.g. tests). And it doesn't really help. Instead of stimulating our minds, those contests just tire our brains. Result? We take the important tests in a messed-up state and we end up with terrible headaches and stupid answers. How about our grades? F*** them, damned grades.

It should be illegal for schools to do this to their students. Gosh, you don't know how tortured I feel, even after a 2-hour sleep. It's the ultimate brain boot camp. It's just... HORRIBLE.

To add to the damage, I felt ignored today. Dammit. Why do people ignore me in times when I desperately need them? I needed a hug and no one was bothering to give me one. Not even you. Curse you, why the hell are you ignoring me? There goes the emotional torture. Stressful.

Am I feeling better? Kinda, thanks to halo-halo and Mom's love love love. I love you, Mamee. You have an advertisment in my blog, that's how special you are.

But still, I hate, hate, hate this day. Give me a better day. I need a better day. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe.

I can't wait for a better day. Make Tuesday a better day.

Please. Please?

When PDA is synonymous with today.

2009-02-15T00:56:00.004+08:00

Just a little, kinda, little disoriented. Yup, I am having my dose of John Mayer. He's just so relaxing. It didn't help that it was Franz Ferdinand playing when I found out. But hey, I'm going in if He wants me to. If it's not for me, then it's not, I should let go.

Messed up, huh? Yeah, sure. I won't tell. It's sure one hell of a story to tell. I'd just let it all pass away. Oh, one day, it will.

Oh yeah. It's Valentine's Day today. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

Is today happy for me? Happy is not the proper adjective. It's.... weird. I had a weird Valentine's day. Correct.

But to tell you, this is my most interesting and my lightest Valentine's day ever. And yeah, it's not Single-Awareness day for me. I did not at all feel my single lady-ness. I never did on Valentine's. Why? 'Cause I don't really care. I never did.

Ok, back to my Valentine's story. I've never spent Valentine's like this. If Valentine's going to be the same next year, I'm going to curse the Romans for making such a horrible calendar. Valentine's next year would be a Sunday, and I'm pretty sure I can't spend Valentine's like today because my mom won't allow me to go out. Oh well, it's one heck of a life we're living.

There's a first time for everything. And that's probably today's theme. First times. Yeah, like my first time to spend that much money. HAHA. I'm not being a cheapskate. I'm just not used to spending lots of precious money straight out of my personal savings. Whatever.

Look. There is a continual digression happening everytime I start telling about today. Maybe I should stop trying to tell the story of today.

Or I'll just try to do so, without all the digressions.

So today, I went out. I was supposed to do a project with some friends and family. We did, actually. Then we went to SM because it was just a walking distance away. And there goes my story. That's it. No digressions.

Boring, right? See. But there's this undercover story I wouldn't want to tell. Uii. Chika. HAHAHA!

But today's fun and crazy. I'm happy enough not to scream out some swear words.. Scream. HAHAHHA. Scream ice cream. HAHAHA. Whatever. Mad genius. HAHA.

That's it. No more digressions. Sign Off.

Bs

2009-01-25T21:04:00.004+08:00

I feel distracted. I feel morose.

Uhh. Why can't I create a happy post? Why should I always post when I feel something wrong?

Well actually, this 22nd post is supposed to be happy. It's supposed to be about some cool teacher, a quiz bee, being prohibited from entering a mall, batch happy blah blah blah. But I figured it's just way too happy. Nakakaumay. I lost focus in the middle of typing it. I don't know. Maybe I need more enthusiasm to type those kinds of posts. As much as I need this weirdness to post.

It's something I've been thinking about for about 3 weeks now. Today is just breaking point. I've never realized how bad this is. This started Friday. Damned Friday. Friday was confusing. It was like a look-back point. And you know how magic works its way to your being. It makes you think: Why the hell are you doing this? You're just hurting yourself! Stop this! You know you're just cheating on yourself, on your emotions. You still feel it. And you know that.

You know how confusing that feels? You know how your head hurts after thinking of that? It's just... weird. And tiring. I've been through this before. It's getting repetitive and it sucks.

But I was able to get over it. Thank God. And Saturday went on ordinarily, as it always would. Pretty, calm, assured. I woke up to a pretty sun and I knew that I'd see the same thing the day after. Sunday started pretty. Everyday would always start like that. But hell.

The electric feel. It was there. It's as if there was static. No static, but there was electricity. There was that tinge of cold. That cold feeling, you'd feel the cold blood running through your veins. It's something I know but I don't want to acknowledge.

And then surprise. Make me hate my day. I can't believe it.

I'd rather leave this post this way. I wouldn't want horrible shit on my blog

But I must confess
I'm in love with my own sins.

The post that was sneaked out in school

2009-01-06T16:57:00.002+08:00

Wow. People, I want you to celebrate with me. Do you know that my last post was my 20th post? It's just amazing that I now have a total of 21 posts (including this one) in my blog. As you can see from my blog title and from my first post, I was reluctant to have a blog. This is a goddammed accident. But sometimes, accidents make things so much better. HAHA.

By the way, I am posting from the publication's office, via proxy server. I know, there's this web filter here but I've managed to get around it and here I am doing some illegal stuff. HAHA. But not necessarily. This is my office anyway, I can do almost anything I want.

But I don't now how this post might come out. The editing bar is out maybe because the proxy server can't download it. Maybe I'll just fix whatever shit comes out here at home. [Note: Shit fixed. :D]

Why am I in the publication's office? Well, I find the publication's office really comforting. My friends have left and rather than staying in the lounge looking like a loner and a loser, I'd just barrow the key from Ate guard and I'd stay here, away from the prying eyes of the public. Though I'm not really a loner. I just love some alone time with myself wherein I can do anything I'd want to.

Right now, I'd really want to make a poem. I was thinking of a topic, and I actually came up with the idea of using the publi as my inspiration. I'm going to write about how I love it so much and how it gives me comfort. But of course, no one would know the poem's for the publi. I'd make them think that the poem was actually for 'my one and only love of my life.' Then I'd submit it to the Chro. HAHAHA! That would be funny. A poem for the publi and then people approaching me, telling me how lucky I am to have such a sweet, caring and loving boyfriend and then coaxing me into telling them who he is. HAHA. Would I lie? Of course I won't. I'd give them the wtf glance and tell them 'That poem was about the publication's office..' HAHA. I'd make them look stupid. HAHAHA!

What the hell. I am now turning diabolical, forgive me. Maybe it's the effect that this room gives me. It's makes me a more creative person. HAHA.

Well, I have to start on that poem now. And oh yea, my bus. HAHA.

The 09 post

2009-01-02T20:35:00.004+08:00

Since it's the start of a new year, it would be nice if I'd be posting here.

HAPPEE NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

2008 was one of the most turbulent yet most fun years of my life. Many things happened in 2008. And I'm quite proud to say that I grew a lot as a person, as a human being. I learned much. I figured lots of lessons out. The most important one? 'Birds of the same feather flock together.' It may seem shallow, yes, but it made so much sense to me this year. You are most likely to connect with the people who think like you. It's kinda the same for my most important lesson in 2007, 'The phenotype is affected by the environment.' But hey, life is a series of interconnected lessons anyway. I also learned more about love. From my own experiences and the stories that people tell me. I now have a wider perspective on that topic. And many other things about life and the people I love.

But since it is already 2009, I have to leave whatever happened before and live in whatever day I am in. I will keep the lessons and some of the feelings, but not everything. The past is such a heavy thing to carry.

To the people with the infamous new year's resolutions, good luck. I hope you keep them. Personally, I don't believe in those things. I mean, yea, it's great to start the year with motivation and all that but sometimes you just can't keep them. And when you break whatever you promise yourself it's just disappointing and frustrating, so I just don't make those for the sake of whatever sanity I have left. It may seem stupid for other people, but it does work for me. I just figure out whatever lesson I encounter throughout the year and it gets me by decently. I learn a lot. I become better, I guess.

But hell, whatever you do, you just have to enjoy this year. That's important if you want a nice year.

And yea, the school year's about to end. It's not as sad as last year because... well, most of them will still be my classmates next year. That's one of the perks for being in the Engineering and Architecture section. I just love that. Woohoo.

And that's probably it. I hope this year's going to be good for me. Ye.

And no, I'm not going to give the link to my blog away yet. Not now. Maybe not this year too. Or I might change my mind. I don't know. HAHA. We just wait and find out. HAHA.

Shoot. Then MISS.

2008-12-28T21:22:00.003+08:00

So this is how it feels to miss people. This is how it feels to miss them really badly.

When you feel like you're sad but you know you're not sad. You are actually happy. It's just not that complete because you miss people, the people you love.

Haay naman.

I'm frustrated. I want to talk to some people but I can't find a way. Grrr. You know that feeling when you go online expectantly and you don't find them there? It's just... uhh. Horrible. Exactly. That's how I feel. Horrible. I am happy because of so many things yet I can't be completely happy. B***s***.

I need credits on my account. I mean I need cellphone load. It's easier to talk to people that way. It's a lot more fuun. But I don't have load. Sure, people text me. And I'd love to reply but I can't.

Haay. Mahirap na talaga pag pobre ka. Tae ng manok.

But anyway, I'll just let it pass. Do whatever I want to. I'd sign off in YM. It frustrates me. Grr.

Blogging. Again.

2008-12-20T23:23:00.004+08:00

I miss my blog posts.

I mean my posts about blogging. Yes, the first ones. The ones where I dissect blogging: disadvantages, advantages, who, what. where blah blah and all that stuff. Those posts were semi cool. I like them.

That's why I post again today, about blog posts.

This is going to be boring, believe me. I can feel the boredom in the air. I can't feel the current in my fingers as I hit my keyboard. There's supposed to be something like that.

I talked to my friend some time before. She's a really good friend of mine. She's one person I can talk to about anything under the sun. But the things under the things under the sun? I can't. I trust her, really. But some things just have to be left untouched. I'd really want to tell her, for the sake of my sanity, but I think I have to be insane so I can talk to her like a... human. I'm an alien, from Pluto. She knows that I have a blog, but she doesn't know that it is this one. Anyway, hey you, you know who you are. If you're reading this right now.. WAW. Galing mo talagang mang cyberstalk, utol. Bilib na 'ko sa 'yo. Si Estiffany naman ung sunod mong iproject. HAHA. That is, if you're reading this right now. If not, I applaud myself for being so coolly discreet.

As I was saying, that was a kind of a... what did Boss call it again.. ummm... what the hell, why should I use Boss words. Ehem, rephrase.

As I was saying, that was kind of a distraction, I was talking to my friend one of the days before today. I was asking her to teach me CSS but she said that it can't be learned. You learn from necessity. And then came the inevitable, she asked me why. So I told her I have a blog.

Shocking. Haha.

Everybody gives me that reaction when I say I have a blog. It's like I said I'm biologically male but I had gender change when I was five. Huh?

Well, back to my story.

Of course, because we were already in blogs, we talked about blogs and blogging. She has a blog. Or blogs. She's got 4, I think. The one on her multiply is her active one. She called the rest 'baggage'. She said they were too sad and they were not her anymore, so she bid them bye bye. I read her blogs. I enjoy reading other people's blogs. And well yeah, she amuses me. I like her style. And she told me that she did, too. She said she found herself amusing. She said that blogging is really supposed to be light and amusing. When she said light and amusing, those two words stayed in my head. Echoing and echoing and echoing...

Liiiggghhtt..... aaaaanndddd... Aaaaammmuusssiiinngg.....

Then my mind flew back to my blog. I recalled my posts. It was as if I was in front of the computer, reading my page. And I discovered that my post were anything and everything... Except light and amusing.

My posts are maudlin. heavy, critical, weird, highly confusing, haphazard, symbolistic, euphemistic, existentialist and all that trash. Except light and amusing.

Then she said something about how it reflects one's self.

Me. My blog. What else.

And I remembered. Oh ye. I am NOT at all light amd amusing. Sure, I'm cheerful, hyper and all that. But you'd still feel the depth in my jokes. You'd still feel the seriousness, my coldness and my intimidating presence even if I'm bouncing up and down, all the while laughing out loud. I don't know how or why, but I think it's really part of me.

I am a highly philosophical nerdo. That's why only a few people can understand whatever gibberish I'm talking.

It's not that you can't comprehend at all. You can understand what I'm saying if you'd think it through and through. But you'd have to take sometime, and the brief pause in our conversation wouldn't be enough.

Is it sad? Well not necessarily. It comes handy if I don't like to talk to the person I'm talking to.

But it does become sad. In times that you'd really want to say something and no one can't understand. Even if you put them in the simplest words you can find. It gets frustrating and you'd feel like you're talking to a turtle. Nako, baka may natamaan. HAHA.

But I am not in anyway elevating my status, my IQ or anything. I'm just saying I'm hard to talk to at times. And it gets sad. And frustrating. Frustratingly sad.

Whatever. There you go. Can you understand whatever the hell I'm saying?

If you can't, there, that's what I'm talking about. If you can understand, tag. HAHA.

I pity my tagboard. No one's tagging. But I can blame no one else but myself. I don't want to publicize this blog, that's why no one's tagging.

Why should I not tell everybody about my blog? It's way too personal for strangers to see. And as I've said before, this is my demon-exorcising exercise. Maybe that's also a reason why this is NOT at all light and amusing. This is my published demon. This blog is my demons, made known to the world. My dark side? Not really. My sad side. There. I post in times that I don't feel like me. I need this blog to call myself back from whatever stupor I've fallen in.

Publicizing this blog would mean deleting some posts I've made before. And, by God, I wouldn't want to take back those demons. I would go hysterical if I'd take them back. Nakakatakot. Eeeeee. HAHA!

But well, anyway, I have to end this now. Whoever reads this post and understands it is a curious and smart person. I don't know how people will find my blog, but if anyone ever does, it's going to be funny. I'd have fans. HAHAHAHA!

I am going psychotic and schizophrenic. I have to stop this now. Good night, people. Spread the love.

Springs in my feet.

2008-12-06T18:03:00.006+08:00

All I really want to do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use..

Hey, that was not for anyone. I'm listening to Jason Mraz. Ahh, Jason Mraz. His music is soo relaxing. I love Jason Mraz. I hope I can get my hands on his new album sooner or later. It's damn expensive. I need to save up for it. I'm a poor man. Huhu. Kidding.

It's been a long time ever since I felt this happy. That kind of happiness that you would want to infect everybody with. The kind of happiness that is probably indestructible, lest something really BAD happens. *Knocks on wood three times* I hope nothing that bad happens.

Why am I happy? I restored my life last night. Though I did not post here, I wrote in my memoir over and out there. You know, my no-bleeps blog. I felt like a mess last night. I knew that the words I'm going to type out would be personal, far to personal for the Net to see. I was very sad. I didn't know what I was doing, why I'm doing it and what the hell I'm going to do next.

I'm talking about what I did after the letter thing, people. When I refused to talk to my friend.

Friend. HAHA.

Back to the story. So after I bled it out on my memoir, I checked my mail. I had a message, amazingly. I stopped having messages ever since I stopped my Garfield subscriptions and I marked Friendster as spam. Haha. The message was a forwarded one. I decided to read it, though I know it's one of those claiming to be true chain mails. I read through it and it told stories (which I did not believe) about people forwarding this mail and their wishes coming true. At the end of the mail, it said I needed to make a wish. I decided that a wish will not make me less of a person or anything, so i made a wish. I wished that I and my friend would return to the state we enjoyed before I gave the letter. I wished that we'd be good. Since I made the wish, I was forced to forward the mail to others. I decided to play some online games after that, just to get away from my feelings. As I got tired, I asked my brother if he wanted to try it out. He said yes, so I left the computer to him. I checked him out after some time and lo and behold, he was talking to friend via YM. I thought for a while. Then I told him to get out. I talked to my friend as my brother. Friend really thought I was my brother. It was funny. After friend said something about me and as if though I changed, I decided to tell friend who I was. Friend was shocked, naturally. Then we talked and we talked and we talked. As we said good night, friend said: 'I hope we'd be talking on Tuesday.' I laughed. I needed to. Then I remembered the E mail. It was amazing, I guess, that those things actually come true. It was funny how God planned this to be. I'm really excited for Tuesday. I can't wait. Heehee. I mean, we weren't able to talk for two weeks. Why would I not wait for Tuesday? Yihee.

But I'm happy still. VERY HAPPY. Yea.

I'm actually happy enough to try to do some blog renovation. I flipped through some Blogger tutorials but I wasn't able to find help. I need someone to teach me CSS. I need to learn CSS. I'm finding my blog boring. Haha.

I'm planning to change my blog name. I mean, my name is cool and all, but I'm feeling the need to change it. Oh yea. It's the gut feel, man. I'd be needing a new blog name.

My url is still the COOLEST url I've ever seen. If you can't understand it, I'm sure you're not a fellow Filipino. If you can understand what it says, I'm sure you're now thinking that I'm one cool blogger.

Haha. Oh yea. Self centered and conceited are my nicknames, what can I do.

Well, gotta go now. People would be using this machine. Bye for the time being.

I'm a technicolored mess

2008-11-28T15:02:00.008+08:00

Well, November's almost over. It's time to post.

HAHA. I update at the start and the end of the months. I'm lame. Oh well.

Well I've got a ton of excuses! Lots of them! I've been very busy the past few weeks, which is the most hectic, the most tiring, and the most stressful part of my third year life (so far). Good thing it's finally over. Oh yea. Thank God!

But as hectic as it could be, I've got many things to say here. That's why I'd be needing something as big as the Net.

CVE long test. Tss. We were forced to make a documentary about a certain topic. And what the hell was our topic? Online gaming. Kinda easy, you think. But if you were the leader of my group, it's a hell lot harder. Actually the moment I met my group mates, I knew I was doomed to experience this kind of stress. I've prepared for it, but oh well, you can never really prepare fully for anything, right? Stressful thing. We had to go to internet cafes, beg them to let us tape, then they send us away. They keep us hanging on, but hell. What the hell is so wrong with taping your shop? We'll even promote it if you want it that way. But of course, they won't! They're smart people. Tss. They won't even show that documentary to our classmates, so what privacy issues are you talking about? Good thing my mom has lots of friends. She has one that owns an internet cafe. Thank God we were able to tape there, though we could interview only two people. Nevertheless, we're good. I kinda made myself the star of my video. Heehee. The self-centeredness of us all.

Then, there was the Dramafest. And to tell you, it was the BEST Dramafest I've ever had in my whole life. We were damn good. My prod team was the best. They were fast, they were dedicated, they were alert. No one was much of a problem. Everyone worked well together. Though they made me overwork my voice as we were practicing the movement, they were still the best. I'd really, really, really, really, REALLY love to have them again next year. I love you, Juniors '09 Dramafest production team. Thank you so much and you did very, very good. Well, about the acting part.. Let's just laugh it off. I wouldn't want to say something really foul. Or since they don't know anything of this blog, let me just say it, to get it off my head and my conscience. My boss was kinda lame. The play was very good, but it could have been better. Entrance, exits, and blocking are very basic things. A GOOD director should know those things. Boss knew the set, but she couldn't tell them where to go. I don't know why. I was with the prod team because the people in charge of them were gone. And I just really love working with the prod team. I love their company. If I was with the actors even for just one whole dry run, the whole thing would've been nicer. And Boss does not know how to take care of things gone berserk. You can take care of those things without ruining the whole play. Bitter? Just a little. I couldn't see why they keep giving Boss that special plum. But as what my friend said, she's the lucky one. We work, we work, but she gets the credits. Tss. But life's like that, anyway. I love my prod team too much and they love me as well. I'm fine with them.

But seriously, I'd like to get that Director slot next year. I'd take care of my actors and actresses and at the same time my prod team. Boss is just too haphazard. Not that she's really horrible. It's just that, I'm pretty convinced, that I'm better. Of course I am. HAHA.

And lastly, it is done. I just did it, the letter thing. How did it go? I can't tell. No thank you. No hello afterwards. Actually, I decided that after that letter thing, I won't be talking. I've survived a school week miraculously. I mean MIRACULOUSLY. Well, thanks to God, to life and to Special Friend. Ayiii. HAHA.

But to tell you the truth, it was HARD. I had to control. It's hard to control especially during those emotional surges. But I've managed. I don't know if I can still survive this week. If I'd get through this, I'd probably go on sailing smoothly.
I hope I do.

And something about what I've been scared of happening in seven months happens in a span of a week. It turns out that I didn't really need seven months. One week was enough. Impossible? Not really. When puppy follows you around for one whole week, would you not grow close to it and eventually love it? Ooooh, I'm talking too much. Cut off. Heehee.

And finally, the dance. The dance was my victory party for surviving this week. And my dilemma got a worse as I saw a shining beacon of light in the pitch black darkness. But I decided to ignore it and party myself away. Urbandub and Pupil were great. Especially Pupil. Ely Buendia is gwapo. VERY GWAPO. They sounded very good. I was singing along with every song I knew. And with every song I sang along with, I saw meaning. Especially Guillotine. 'This whole time with me was just another lie, threw my feelings up and down, you're just a little inconsiderate. This whole time with me was just another lie, it was just another LIE.' I sang my heart out. Really, That's why my voice is going on strike. I refuse to talk another word. But the party was just great. It was so meaningful. The songs jumped out at me with what the hell they wanted to say. I saw my motivation, I've answered some of my questions. I'm just... HAPPY.

And well that probably ends whatever I want to say. Can you imagine all that stress I felt as I walk on with tired feet, a troubled heart, yet still a smile on my face? I'm not faking the smile, mind you. Pain is just happy. I've learned to live effectively with it, miss it when it abandons me for a while. Whatever. HAHA.

Good day, sunlight. I'd like to say how truly bright you are. You don't know me, but I know you, see, you're my favorite star....

Rolling, rolling, stop. Rock.

2008-11-07T22:38:00.007+08:00

Hello. HAHA. You know, I looked at my 'profile' (which basically contains nothing. Heehee.) and I saw a profile view counter. I was kinda shocked. It said eleven. HAHA. People actually bother to read my blog. Or it's just my sister viewing my profile over and over again. HAHA. Or that was me checking out my own blog in different computers. HAHA. But if others really read my blog, thank you, people. I appreciate it much. I just wish you would leave something in the tagboard. So I'd know you viewed my blog and i can view your blog if you have one, too.

Anyway, it's November. God, it's November already. I feel like the school year just started two weeks ago. Oh well, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Fine. That was not a funny joke. HAHA.

November. November has been a happy month for me ever since, because I happen to be born in this month. But this year's just... different. As November came, I felt happy, irritated, stressed out and nervous.. very nervous.

Happy because it's my birthday! I mean, people are supposed to be happy when it's their birthday, right? My birthday basically means food, an overwhelmingly delicious cake because I get to choose what flavor, some gifts (when I say some it means less than 10. Poor me. boohoo) and tons of people greeting me 'HAAAPPPYY BIIRRTHHDAY!!!!!'. Well yeah. That's kinda fun. Heehee.

Irritated because... because it's my birthday. You grow a year older. I don't want to be older. No. Why? I don't know. I don't want my age to change. For no particular reason. It's just that I hate getting older. As you get older, you get more responsibilities, expectations and everything else. Those things cause pressure. And I just DESPISE pressure. I don't like being put inside some big pot and be cooked by pressure. Ugh,.

Stressed out. Usually, November is a relaxing month. But since they moved the English week to November, it's the start of my stress. I'm going to have a quiz bee, another quiz bee, mag layout chores, directing chores, ughh. I went home at 5 30 everyday this week. I'm supposed to be home by 4 00. Wasted one hour. I could have slept. Sayang.

Nervous.. very nervous. It's something about what happened a year ago. It's something very personal involving me and another person. But the other person doesn't really care. And that hurts... a lot. One time, when we were talking, I asked if that other person remembered what happened. Of course not. HAHA. So I said I was hurt. Then the other person was coaxing me into telling. I made a spur-of-the-moment decision. I said I'm going to tell in a year. The other person took it seriously, to my dismay. Gosh. I feel really stupid saying that. Now I'm forced to tell. Actually, I think the other person doesn't really remember. I can choose not to tell. But it's my conscience that's going to go crazy. Super sorry. So I'm nervous. I'm nervous about how the other party would react. I don't want to destroy the friendship we have now. That took me so many months to build. But if that happens, super sorry. If that happens, I believe it's meant to happen. Sad, but fine. I've been doing emotional crunches and push-ups just to prepare for this. I hope I'm prepared enough.

Umm what else about November? November is... HAHA I don't know.

So that's going to be it for this part. Again, I want to thank the people wasting their time checking this monster out. Peace out.

PS
I just read my last post. It's soooo EMO!! I'm really sorry if you thought that it was exaggerated or anything.

Wait. Why am I apologizing anyway? I don't mean to please you! Whatever. I'm a weirdo, fine.

It just looks like we all feel

2008-10-23T17:56:00.004+08:00

I need to do this. I really need to do this.

Good thing I've created this.... blog. It's for these kinds of things.

It's too dark this time. As I got home, I took my clothes off, I tried to wash my hands from the stain of general insanity...

No, it was not insanity. No.. It was... regret. Regret! Pure, concentrated irrevocable regret! Guilt! Yes, undeniable guilt! They torture me, they drive me to the ground. They send me to my knees! Me? On my knees? Impossible! But no! This regret and guilt as they call it, they do this! They take strength from me, they make me weak! Weak!

If you're reading this and you know what happened, laugh. Laugh at me! That sound, it rebuilds my character. So laugh at me. I beg you.

Do you know that cursed feeling? When you do something without thinking properly and then you just wish you thought about it after whatever happened has already happened? You just wish to turn back time. It's those times when you hate Hiro Nakamura because he can do that. You just want to crush your head on the wall, if that wasn't considered masochistic.

Doing things impulsively, according to your instinct. That is the worst thing that keeps my humanity. One of the things that keeps me from being faultless. And thus, it always makes me wish that I could turn back time, that I could freeze this until everything was okay. I begin to hate what my eyes are seeing. Suddenly, the once frightening darkness becomes comforting, relaxing. Why? Because in the darkness, I hide. In the darkness, I am alone. No discriminating stares, no gasps, no fake smiles. Just me, in whatever state I am. I don't have to tell anyone. I could just think of it, tell myself and then sleep it all away. Escape. Yes, I am a coward. I do not face regret and guilt. They are my greatest fears. What about 'facing my fears and living my dreams'? No, that's not true anymore. I live my dreams yet I do not have to face regret and guilt. It's too gruesome. It's too sad. It's too depressing. No. I've built my world around my happiness and doing facing fear would mean destroying my world. No. No.

I'm sorry, friends and family. These are just hard times. Too hard. Just three inches too hard for silence to handle. I need comfort. I need.... I need.

I can't type anything anymore. I've drained myself of everything I could drain. I am drained. Thank You, God, I am finally drained. This state permits me rest. No more. No more. No more. I can't type this last sente........

Yuuu Compleeett Miiii....

2008-10-17T23:38:00.002+08:00

I just watched Jerry Maguire. Cool movie. Touching. It tells a lot about life. And It's the reason for the title.

Wow. It's been a long time, a very long time, ever since I visited my dashboard. Haha. I'm forgetting my kitten promises. Oh well.

Maybe because I don't have much to say. Life has been pretty much work and extra work for me. It's been weird and stressful and you just want to sleep in bed the moment you arrive home.

Ugh. Growing pains. You know, when you're in these years life seems to be more stressful than ever. It's gets frustrating, really. You just wish soo hard that you're six again.

But even though this world is draining my guts, I still enjoy the road. Right now, I'm really excited because we're starting the layout chores for the paper. It's my first time to be assistant editor and you know, the kind of rush you get every time you do something for the first time. It's amazing. I'm being pushy and I've been running all over the place. I think even our moderator's starting to get really annoyed. Haha.

Umm. What else.

Lately, I've been starting to develop insomnia. Or my clock's just resetting. I don't know. I don't like it when I can't sleep. I get really irritated when I can't sleep. It's kinda obvious [See time posted]. That's why sometimes, you just need to tap away.

I'm completely out of words to type. As much as I want to type the lyrics of the song, I'm listening to, I think that would be kinds impolite. Haha. Sign off.

Of kind people and broken hearts

2008-09-26T19:36:00.001+08:00

Really funny how the world suddenly turns down on you.

In one day, everyone was happy, everyone was contented. In this other day, it's all a mess.

It's just sad. So sad. I'm being bias, but it's really so sad. It's partly happy, yes, but it's almost always sad.

I don't really understand why this world exposes me to real-life teleseryes. I want to say fairy tale, but a fairy tale has no sting and it always has a happy ending. Teleseryes are more realistic and cruel. And this is the type of situation wherein I'm always present, I'm always needed. It actually convinced me that teleseryes are true. I've never believed in all that shit until I finally encountered a true situation. It's soo stressful to be in those situations.

You see, teleseryes are truly fairy tales gone bad. And I always come at the time when the fairy tale ends and the teleserye starts. It's as if I was the agent life uses to remind the people in the teleserye that it is a teleserye, not a fairy tale.

What am I? Reality Police? HAHA. I am Reality Police. It's my job to snap people back to reality, to smack them back down to earth. But I must still make sure that a happy ending is achieved, or else I fail my task and I get fired.

But it's NEVER ever an easy job. It's hard to tell people that they've been living in a lie, in a world where truths are non-existent. They cry, they go crazy, they become creepy and anything else. The greatest reward we can have is the mere accomplishment of our tasks.

So far, I've been doing pretty average. I've closed a case and I am working on this new one, much more complicated than the other. But in this work of mine, I once wondered; why can't the people of Reality Police have a happy ending?

I've been chasing my happy ending ever since I learned about it. Then I learned that you shouldn't chase it as it will follow you. So I let it be. But still it evaded me. My happy ending has been far from my grasp.

Maybe it's the first rule in the code of Ethics in Reality Police. No happy endings.

It's a lonely job. It's a very lonely job. Watching happy people from a distance, knowing that you can't be like that yourself. And why did I accept it? I don't know, I'm a crazy person. I don't have anything better to do. I'm a damned martyr. HAHA.

And this case isn't anything near simple. When it started, even a Reality Police agent (e.g. me) would think that it was all going to be fine. Until everything turned all messy. And it's been tiring, grabbing people by the neck and throwing them back to earth, telling them truths they never realized and forcing them to live on. I'm nowhere near done. and it's abnormally draining.

And why am I talking about all this shit? Exactly. It's just been roller coaster today, you know. I'm dizzy and I will probably stumble down in a few seconds. I'm all sedated, I'm pretty much disoriented.

I'm sorry people, if I don't make sense. Don't expect me to.

I probably should stop this one. I probably should stop striking random keys in my keyboard.

Of stupid people and beating hearts

2008-09-23T22:05:00.004+08:00

I have never realized how badly people want attention until now.

Oh yeah. I speak like I've never been gone, but it was three weeks ago ever since I posted. I had much to say, really, but I've been forgetting to post and I don't have so much time. I have many stories, lots of them, but I think they would just bore you to death, so I won't tell all. Well anyway, as I was saying...

I don't know if I just saw a severe case of attention deficit syndrome (what we call in Filipino KSP) or people just feel like they're famous. Horrible. Very horrible. I wish YouTube was never invented. Or at least they screen the materials people want to post, so that we see only good stuff. Man. I've never been so bothered in my life. These people who use YouTube as a medium to attract fame but are not at all talented are so irritating. Or disturbing. Or temper-stimulating. Or atrocious. Or abhorrent. Or to make it easier, all negative adjectives. They like try soooo hard for what? To get noticed? You won't get noticed because of that, people. You will be HATED. To hell with those people. I hope one day, they will realize that they need to jump off a cliff just for the peace in this world to resume.

HAHA. That was so rude of me. I'm sorry. I'm irate, so that's what you get, boy. But really, I'm sorry. Like before, I don't know you, you don't know me, so we're cool, though not really. HAHA. That was very confusing. Sorry.

Before my sister sees this and scolds the demon out of me for ranting, let's talk about today. What an interesting day. I feel like today's Valentines' day though the real date is what, 5-6 months away. It's kilig day today. Lovers, sweethearts and couples everywhere. It's so refreshing to see them, to know things about them. But then you suddenly realize that since Valentines' day is single awareness day, today is single awareness day, too. For me, it's like my first-ever celebration of single awareness day. The fact that I'm single never sank in before. It's just a weird day today. I feel like I'm the only person among my friends with a non-existent lovelife. Actually, it's not just a feeling, it's true! I'm the only person among my friends with a non-existent lovelife. HAHAHA! But that doesn't bother me, mind you. I just find it all amusing, really. Maybe because I'm naturally one with the boys. I'm boyish, I can't deny. HAHA! But hey, you just have to wait for your time, man. It will come eventually. HAHA.

What else. Umm. It's inappropriate if I tell all the others stories. It's way too late to tell those. So, I end this post. Yea. Good night everyone.

And now, the part when everybody gets frustrated.

2008-09-02T22:21:00.007+08:00

Of pigs and Superhumans, I would definitely choose Superhumans. No matter how weird their superness-es are.

You would agree with me, I know. Who the hell would choose an animal over an overly-gifted human?

But what if I the pig gave you an iPod nano video worth 6-8 thousand pesos?

You would probably think twice.

You see, people nowadays love comfort and luxury. They go for it, they chase anything or anyone who can give it to them. They hate hard work and sacrifice, that's why they like their comforts and luxuries for free.

That's why you would lose some sleep thinking who to choose. The pig or the Superhuman?

And how absurd is that? Gad! Choosing between a being who is rich but enjoys rolling in mud and a Being who thinks and is Super is not that hard, you know. It's just the disregard for morality that makes it look hard.

This is an insane world!! We live in psychotic times!

Why? Because we choose to. But we complain! Why? Because we think that we were not consulted in the decision-making. We were actually the prime deciders, the leaders. Why don't we know? 'Cause we don't give a damn care! We don't care, that's why this world is becoming what it should not be.

Sorry, this is a frustration post. Sorry too, for being so judgmental. I'm just sad and frustrated.

I don't want to see another iPod nano video ever again. It reminds me of this day.

I don't want to tell the story, but I hope the people concerned do not know the existence of this blog. They will figure out who I am.

I'm really sorry, especially for the pig part. I don't know you, but I assumed. And I believe that I assumed incorrectly and I was too harsh, but I just have to let the steam out. You don't know me, anyway.

For the Superhuman, well, I hope you live up to my expectation. I know you're Super. No matter how weird your superness-es are, I'll watch your back an make sure you stand up straight.

Why did I need to post this anyway? This is such a racist post. I'm not racist. I'm just angry. Or sad. Or disappointed. Or all.

Well, just continue to love people, and spread, spread, spread it. Love cures insanity and awakens people in catatonic state. Love is what the world needs.

Unnecessary words, part 2

2008-09-01T20:10:00.007+08:00

Today, I feel bipolar.

I feel manic depressive. Many people are happy today, thinking that the -ber months have started, but not me.

Before I continue, may I pleasantly announce to you that this is going to be an Emo post. I feel unmentionable today.

'It's all about your mental approach to this day, you know', you would probably tell me. But now I tell you, that shit is not 100% effective. Just like today. I woke up, and I knew that it was going to be a really nice, nice day. This is going to be happy, this is going to be fun. But as you can conclude, it wasn't really like that. I've been causing troubles and I feel bad about it. I'm not that it's-not-my-fault person. I'm otherwise. It's my fault when it is, and I don't really deny it. I embrace the fact that I am human, but I'm not necessarily numb about it. As a human, I get hurt being human.

Today was supposed to be special. A lot of people celebrate their birthdays today. Happy birthday to you people. Birthdays. Why do they seem to go apart, always?

I've made a lot of broken promises. I even owe them. And I tell you, I am willing to pay dearly for them. But why this time? Why not a time supposed to be happy for me? Why do I have to pay for them in times when the people concerned are supposed to be happy? I destroy other people's happy times! Why?! I didn't mean to, but I did. Even their stuff. This day isn't really meant for me.

Good thing I went home to tacos. Tacos are love. Tacos are anti depressants. Tacos are home. I ate three. Two for my mishaps (which are equal to the same number) and one for the day itself. Tacos save the day.

But I hope something else does. Like the word infamous for its tongue-twisting, hair-raising, air-consuming, larynx-crushing pronunciation. What word? SORRY, of course.

This word has been escaping my mouth and my heart so frequently these past few years. Maybe because of I locked it in me for what? 9-10 years? That's long. It feels so better with your heart open out wide. It unlocks your arms so you can open them out wide whenever you want and need to. Feels so good to be better.

Ahhh. What a refreshing post. It's so nice that I could end this one light-heartedly. You see, that's the beauty of releasing your unnecessary words. You lose all that weight. You can prance around without getting tired.

So I end this Emo post. You know, just 12 minutes ago, I wanted the most maudlin ending I can give. But hey, shut it man. Maudlin endings are so disgusting. HAHAHA.

Rainy-thus-sleepy day post

2008-08-27T16:43:00.009+08:00

Ahhhh. What a relaxing day.

You see, we don't have classes today. The fourth years are having a test of some kind. I don't know. What I know is I'm taking the same test in a year.

So it's pretty much sleep-eat-read-computer for me today. Relaxing. Boring. It's alternately both. Sometimes relaxing, sometimes boring.

Right now, I'm discerning about a gift. Ugh. It's one of those reasons why I hate birthdays. Gifts. They're such a pain in the ass. You hate it when you don't get some in your birthday, you hate it when you don't know what or how to give them, especially to someone special.

Ugh. I don't know how to give mine. I have something to give, yes, but I don't know if it's appropriate.

There, that's another problem. You have something to give, but you don't know if the person would like it. It seems like a small problem, but when worry and pride gets into you, it suddenly becomes intimidatingly huge. Much like pimples. You don't see how they can affect people until you get one.

Wow. Stupid comparison. I hate my analogies. They make me look stupid, 'cause they're bad. Let's just not use them.

I'll just talk about yesterday.

We went to a Scrabble tournament yesterday.

It excruciatingly funny for me to be chosen. I mean, I totally suck at Scrabble, yet I was there, wearing my school uniform, representing my beloved Alma Mater. It's soo funny at the same time very tense. Nobody would want to bring their school to shame right? So there I was, nervous and excited at the same time. Then Sir told us that we can now take our lunches. Great. I was waiting for him to distribute our allowances, because I know the school gives us P150 allowance every time we go on Official Activity. But I saw my teammates choosing their orders and pulling money out of their own wallets. Oh no. Oh no. I put my hand in my pocket, but all I got was my handkerchief. I tried to look for my bag... my bag...But I remembered it was in my locker. Damn it. I had no money, no not even a cent. It was sooo embarrassing. I was hungry, but I had to resist. I don't have money so I have to suffer. It's kind of existentialist on my part, but hey, I am partly existentialist anyway.

After all the lunch drama came the tournament proper. I learned that there were two kinds of Scrabble. One is the tournament kind and one is the leisure kind. I know all about the leisure kind, as my cousins and I play it as our favorite board game but I was a little hazy when it comes to tournament Scrabble. Turns out that tournament Scrabble is very, very, very different. You only have 24 minutes to play all your tiles and if you go overtime, you're dead. You can challenge your opponent's word/s and if you win (that means his/her word/s is/are unacceptable) your opponent's has to take back the tiles he/she played and he/she loses his/her turn. But if you lose, your opponent will get a 5-point bonus + his/her score in the play. Tournament Scrabble is a lot more stressing and of course, more strict. But despite all the stresses, my hunger, my ignorance, I miraculously won my two games!!! I won't brag about my spreads, don't worry. The last game was an automatic loss for the two teams of our school because we decided to leave due to the time (it was very late and we all worried that we may not catch up with our buses) and our loser status. The first team was swept by the Chinese addicts by 100 ++ points. Our team? Just don't ask. Only I and my other teammate got two wins and her spreads weren't really that big. That's the reason why we decided to go home so that before the Chinese team makes lampaso us. It was a good decision, mind you. We arrived at school about 5:45 PM, by that time two of our comrades had already alighted our van to catch up with their buses, one even racing after it. Me? To no one's surprise, I was already abandoned by my bus. I had to call my mom to fetch me. I arrived home by 6:00 PM. I was lucky to arrive home at that time, considering we had to travel to a road which looked like the extension of Laguna de Bay. The damned road was soo flooded.

But the road back to the school was not lame, mind you. The fourth years, specifically the Student Council President and the English paper EIC (and thus, my Boss) seemed possessed. They were speaking the infamous coño all the way and they would burst out singing at random times. It was soo fun being with them. The kind of fun I would never forget because I saw them as they are, not the Great Leader or the Strict Editor. It was the same for me. I wasn't the maangas girl with the blank stare. I was someone else, more known to myself as me. And it was so comfortable.

But that doesn't mean I was not tired when I got home. It was the opposite. I slept for about what? 13 hours? Haha! That was how tired I was.

Speaking of tired, there's no better adjective to describe what my hands feel right now. They're tired. I have to rest them and resting them means taking a break from all this typing.

And I rose from the abyss. Cornee

2008-08-20T14:46:00.008+08:00

Hey I'm here! After such a long time, I'm here again, making a post.

Just when you thought that I've abandoned my kitten huh? Gotcha there. I am back.

Well, just like anybody, I have my very own excuses for failing to update my blog regularly. Hey, they're valid, mind you.
1. I'm hell busy. I'm a third year student and it wasn't as easy as I thought.
2. My sister hogs the computer as soon as she gets home. Of course, as younger sister, I have to give way.
3. I don't have free weekends. I have to go to Ateneo for some Math class. Not a regret, mind you. People in Ateneo are fun.
4. There's just too many people around this house. I don't like them seeing my posts. I don't know. It's a privacy issue with myself. I'm weird.

There, that's it. I know you didn't really need to know, but I want to tell you. If you don't want to read, close your browser. I don't like you reading this, either.

Waaw. Powerful and authoritative! Haha. I seldom sound like that in my writings. Well, today is your lucky day.

Umm... what else...

My life? Well, it's weird. I've been soaring, crashing on my face, learning, kicking some butt, gaining some weight, losing my poise and so on. The past weeks were not so good. They were crappy. But who says crappy weeks are lesson-less? Yeah, I've also been learning lots of life skills these past weeks.

One of them is making friends. Yes, courtesy of my classmate's book with the same title. It's kinda weird how the things you read in that book are soo like reality. It even applies to your very own self. But hey, I guess some people just know how others think.

Haha. This is such a disorganized post. It reflects my thoughts in this moment: disorganized. Really, I don't know what to type. I've so much to say, but I think they're not for this blog. I think it's for a person.. A someone... But who? I don't know, I still need to figure that one out.

Oh well. I'm going to figure it out now.

It just feels so bad to end this post abruptly, but I'd rather end it than talk crap. I'll be back when I've got it made.

Robot chronicles

2008-07-26T17:04:00.008+08:00

I'm a robot. I feel like a robot

Bzzt. bzzt. bzzt.

It's been a roller coaster week. I'm typing like a mechanical disaster discarded by the inventor because it's too..... mechanical. Uhh. Whatever.

It's been good. It's been bad. Uhh. This blog post is going nowhere. Must end it now....

But.. NO! I've been given the golden opportunity to publish something without hindrance. I have been given a sacred space wherein I was allowed to type, therefore I must grab it, grasp it, feel it and make it MINE. ALL MINE.

Typing a stupid post would be a desecration of the given space. No, I must not desecrate it. I am an agent of Literature. I must not fail her. I must do my duty.

But what can I type, friends and family? What can I type to satisfy this empty space?

Well, let's just talk about my day today.

It's an interesting day today. HAHA. I had to go to somewhere at 10 AM today. It was OK, for 10 AM is late anyway. So I just slept my Saturday morning away. It was so relaxing, being able to sleep to your heart's content. It was raining hard outside, making my elusive rest so much sweeter.

After sometime, there was this voice. Its tone and intensity was kind of like that one shouting: 'MAY SUNOG!!!!!'. But no, it was shouting something else... Something like: 'ATE MAY MTG KA NGAYON!!!!!! ATE!!!'. Hmm. Poor Ate. She has to wake up now. She can't enjoy the beautiful Saturday morning because she has MTG. Mtg. mtg. mTg. mtG. EMMMMTEEEEGIIIIIIIIIIIII...

OH MY GOSH! THAT'S ME! OH MY! I HAVE MTG TODAY!!! OH NO! And it was already 9 AM. Gaddammiittt.

Then, I scrambled out of bed, walked downstairs and ate my breakfast in 5 minutes. But mind you, I wasn't really in panic mode. Only my subconscious was in panic mode that's why I'm a tad-bit faster than usual. When I was taking my bath, I realized that I had to beat my all-time record for taking a bath. 15 minutes. So I set on, splashing water here, splashing water there. Unfortunately, I was unable to beat my record because of..... well, because of unavoidable circumstances. HAHAHAHA! It's not what you're thinking, pervert. Damn you. Go to burning hell.

We left at 9:40, which means we had 20 minutes to zoom through the road. And I was so relieved that my dad was driving. I know how my dad drives. But it was soo weird today. He was driving in a free road at 20 kph. That was weird. He was supposed to be hell driving. Oh no. Again, I was in panic mode in my subconscious. But, as I've said, I have proudly adopted the cool ways of Chill. It's about c cubed, friends. Cool, calm, collected. It's my real motto in life. If I was still the person I was 2-3 years ago, I would've been opening my window and shouting at the top of my lungs to the other cars to move over and I would've been pressuring my dad to drive faster to the point that I would kick him out of the car and drive myself. HAHAHA! In short, I have learned to keep my cool, credits to my environment and to some people. Yes, I was a nervous wreck before. Good thing I'm not anymore. Somebody actually told me once: 'When I see you, I always feel this calm presence. It would be a funny day to see you panicking.' Haha. Whatever. I know, there's this storm happening right now, coming from your very computer. HAHA.

But I was still kinda frustrated that he was driving sooo slooowwwlllyy. But we arrived on time, anyway. About 10:02. HAHA. That is fashionably late for you, people. HAHAHA. But due to the haste I was subjected to, I forgot something . Something reaaaally important. Not my pencils, not paper, not my bogus phone. My brain. Ugghh. I was like... Sabaw. Yes, sabaw. It's either that or the test was just really hard. I don't know. I'm not going to pass that test. Or I will through a miracle. I'm hoping for a miracle. I want to pass that test. But if I pass that test, I would have to treat 7 or 8 of my friends for lunch. Hmmm. No, I still want to pass that test. I want to have more Math training. Yes, I am a Math nerd. But heck, who cares? It's cool being a Math nerd. Haha.

Then, there was this oh so weird thing that happened. I was crossing the road, on my way home, then I heard someone call my name. It was my classmate. He was in a jeepney and we were talking while he was moving away. How many times do you see your classmate on a jeep while crossing the road? HAHAHA. That was so shallow. Haha.

Then I slept the rest of the day away. I exploited my phone battery. HAHA. Poor bogus phone. I pity my phone. I've been battering it lately. I'm soo sorry. HAHA.

There, the space is satisfied. But seriously, I hate this post. Well, I hate all my posts but I hate this so much. I want to delete it. But I don't want to waste the time I used to type this out. HAHA. But I still hate it anyway.

Sorry, person reading this post. I'm sorry for publishing such a substandard post.

Whatever. I can't find a title.

2008-07-20T22:09:00.004+08:00

I'm not really supposed to post today. It's late night and I have classes tomorrow. But hey, I need to tap my unnecessary words down. I need to exer -err- exorcise my demons.

I don't know. It just feels so weird. I can't tell what I saw, what I read, what I thought, but it feels so relaxing to be able to tell there was something I saw, there was something I read, and there was something I thought. Weird. This blog was supposed to be.

I want to eat people today. Or rather, at this time. I am so damn frustrated for absolutely no reason at all. I don't have the reason to be frustrated but I am, and it's so frustrating not knowing the reason why you are.

Oh wait. Maybe I do, but I can't tell.

It's frustrating either way.

People go on with their lives, and I proceed with mine too, but it suddenly gets so stupid when you look back. I know, you can't understand. You were not supposed to. This is a demon-exorcising exercise, only I am supposed to understand. Sucks? Don't tell me I never warned you.

Maybe it's just a part of me that stays there and it calls back, because it's becoming sad. Then I tell it, stay for I have given you and I cannot take you back and it becomes violent. It kicks, it screams, it cries buckets of tears and I just stand there wishing that I have no feeling at all. Sorry, part of me. You were not supposed to be happy all the time. But hey, it's just for the time being. I gave you not because I hate you, but because I know you will be taken care of. Times like these are unavoidable and we both know that this is not your first time. You have to learn, baby. You are part of me. You have to be like me.

That paragraph was weird. Oh no. I don't like sounding weird to the world. Erase erase erase.

But erasing it means taking back the devil. So, I command you, devil, to stay there for all the world to be aware of you.

Hahahaha. I am becoming what I've always known I am but have never shown for I do not like to. It sounds, looks, and feels so funny. HAHAHA.

On the lighter side, I played basketball today.

Yey, I played ball today. I love playing ball. My body has always been looking for that tired, hot, sweaty basketball feeling. I am glad it got what it want today, considering I've been making it work overtime for no extra pay. Poor body.

I love that feeling you get when you sink the ball. The feeling that you got it right, that's why that happened. It's so relaxing. It's so destressifying, if there is such a word. It feeds my pride, my self esteem, my self confidence. It makes me stand straighter, it makes me stand taller. Ahh, basketball. My dear and beloved basketball. I love you, just in case you didn't know.

HAHAHAHA! This post is so weird. I can't believe it. I posted a demon this weird. I never knew how weird demons could be until this post. Waw. I wouldn't like a weirder post. Oh my. I never thought it would get this worse. HAHAHA.

But, I must admit, I have successfully exorcised my demon. Oh yes. It makes me feel ready for tomorrow. I could put on a smile, not a mask of a smile. I love this therapy. Ahh. This is a therapy, that's why it's anonymous. HAHAHA. Good night.

Counting down to the end of my soberness.

2008-07-18T17:20:00.007+08:00

My whole body hurts like hell today. I'm like being twisted like what you do when you squeeze out water from laundry. Wringing? Is that it?

Right now, I'm typing with 25% of my normal vision. How? My left eye is closed, while my right eye is half-closed. That makes a fourth of my vision. And my vision is not really perfect you know. I can't see faces of people two meters away without my glasses.

So forgive me if I misspell words or use wrong gramming. Sorry, fellow members of the Grammar Police.

But gaddemmitt, that's what the cursed spell check is for.

Really. I feel so wasted. I feel so dirty. I want to take a bath. But that will prevent me from getting sleep as the ice cold water will wake me up. I just hate being waken up. I feel like my face was submerged in a drum of cooking oil. Eeewww. There's too much oil on my face. I've washed up, but when did it go away, anyway? I've always had grease on my face. It has become part of me. Eeeww. It's under the gross part of me.

I feel like I've put on a 30-pound hat. My head is soo heavy. I just want to slam it down the keyboard but I can't. Because 1) that will destroy the precious keyboard and 2) that will make my flat nose more flat. I hate its flatness. I don't want to hate it more.

But besides everything, I had fun. We did so many great things today. I won't elaborate for the sake of my identity, which I do not like to reveal for no reason at all. I don't want to expose my self and my life to the world. In my sister's words: Nakabuhaghag ang buhay. See, that's a disadvantage of having a blog.

Here we go again. Blog chronicles.

I thought this was going to be my first post that is not about blogs, but heck, I'm wrong. I thought this post was going to be about me, like any other post in any otherr blog. Yes, I believe all blogs are self-centered. A blog is all about the creator's life, wants, needs, thoughts, feelings, complaints and more. Everything about the creator comprises a blog. That's what I believe. You can disagree. Yes, you can even hunt me down to emphasize you do.

I mean, a blog about that talks about other people and not the creator is kinda lame. Gossip blogs. Eeww.

It sounds bad. Chismis blogs sounds better. Or maybe the English words sound better. Whatever. I like Chismis blogs better.

Ugh. I hate people who gossip. But as they say, others a mirror of yourself. Yes, I gossip too, but I hate it when I do. I feel like I'm going to hell when I do. Waw. That's kinda exaggerated. But really, I hate me when I gossip. Why? because I hate people who gossip.

Oh no. I don't know what to wear tomorrow. I forgot to ask. I'm soo stupid. I'm going to be with the Principal, the Vice-Principal and great man Cortez yet I don't know what to wear. If I wear uniform then suddenly their attire is civilian, I'd look like a total asshole. I'd look like I nerd, which I detest so much. If I wear civilian then official wear is uniform, I'd look like a disgrace. But I guess uniform is safer. Ughh I hate wearing my uniform.

Maybe I'll just ask my sister [who is not here. Awww I miss you ate!!!! Uwi ka na! Turuan mo ko ng Chem, maawa ka. Maiyak-iyak na ko nung Thursday. Nagalit siya sa min. Di siya nagtuturo. Uwi ka na please!!!!!!] to text Ate Dianeray and ask. That'll solve it. But not my Chem problem. :(((((((.

I am now more tired than ever. I want to sleep. I don't know how I still managed to post. Maybe it's my subconscious. If it is, let me take this oppotunity to thank my subconsious. Thank you, subconscious, for managing my blog.

More blog chronicles.

2008-07-14T22:34:00.003+08:00

If this blog was an accident, why am I still typing monsters out? I could just leave forget this accident, like what cats do to their kittens.

No. Cats eat their kittens. Change that.

Much like what stupid mothers do to their 'accident'.

Well, maybe I chose not to be a stupid mother. Or I'm having fun. Yea. Great. I'm enjoying this.

You see, I was really thinking of having a blog for centuries now. At one point, the answer was a yes. The rest of the time, the answer was no. But then I end up with a blog. Uhh. WHY. Actually, I have a some kind of memoir over and out there. I like that better. It was like a no-bleeps blog. I can type names, bad words, stupid insights and no one would mine. Here, I have to supply all the bleeps possible. It's something like what I saw in a classmate's book. She highlighted all the unnecessary words instead of the necessary ones. Yes, this blog consist of the unnecessary words. But hey, not all unnecessary words are senseless. Haha. Yea right. But really, most unnecessary words are actually the words you never say, that's why I needed a blog to let it all out. They're like demons in me. They make me look/feel monstrous. I need to get rid of them so the necessary words would have space. I need those words. They make me human.

So does that mean I was a monster before this blog? Well, yes. I think. Approach me and ask me about my third grade times. You would want to impose a 10-meter restraining order for you and me afterwards. Hahaha.

In conclusion, therefore, this blog is my published demon. Oh yes. That's why it's bad. But if you want to read bad stuff, sure go ahead. I'll be here, trying to control my laughter when you close your browser and swear that you won't read this blog again until you're 80. Haha. I won't see that anyway. But it's still going to be funny when I see it. Haha.

The reality of having a blog. Whatever.

2008-07-12T13:37:00.001+08:00

Hey. It's my second post. I can't believe I'm going to have a second post. Wow.

But no, I'm not going to take it back, this is still an accident.

But as pilot post, let me recall my accident.

It was a particularly cloudy and fastslow day. I was in the brink of losing my soberness to air. Weird. I was checking every possible account out and when I finally run out of accounts to check, I found myself staring at an empty address bar.

I looked stupid believe me. My mouth was slightly ajar and my stare was blank. I didn't know what to type.

Then there came the accident. I typed www.blogger.com and I clicked and typed alternately.

In a few seconds/minutes/hours I was now staring at a blank space, which was the blog workspace.. or whatever.

And I snapped back to normal state.

What did I just do??! Oh no. How do you erase this?!? Jesus, wake me up please!

But since it's there, I had to face what my subconscious does. I had to have a blog now. I need to be responsible enough to update it regularly. I pity unupdated blogs. They're like forsaken kittens. They were desired into existence then suddenly, they were left without anything, left to fade into oblivion.

Wow. I talk about abandoned blogs like they have feelings. And I incidentally feel peculiar because I do.

There. That was a post. Yey. I typed out from my keyboard a monster called post.

But bottomline, It still feels weird to have a blog. I never thought I'd be having one of these.

Haha. As the cliche goes, expect the unexpected. Surprise.

But doesn't that make the unexpected expected?

Whatever. I need to stop having typewritten arguments with myself. I have a blog now. That's going to look psychotic.
Haha.

Umm.. Hello?

2008-07-11T23:23:00.000+08:00

Seriously, I don't know what I just got into.

How do you delete this?

But since it's here now, I must face it.

Hello, I have a blog. It sounds weird. I have a blog.

Dear God. I don't even know how to make/get/have/mess up a layout.

But anyway, hello people. I have a blog.

That is my intro, people. Don't read my blog you're wasting your precious time.

PS.
What are labels for again?